Saints

I'm pretty sure your childhood days come to an end when you find out Santa Claus isn't real.
As stupid as it sounds, I just think that it takes away all of the mystery and anxiety Christmas used to bring.
Finding out basically is basically a smack to the face of what you actually believe in, and replaces it with the sad story of reality.

Although not all the Christmas Spirit is lost. I find some here.

Day Two

Two Sides

Well I decided to "open" up my blog again

and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why

I wanted to share with you some art that I found from my favorite artist

It's by John Kenn Mortensen

and it's my favorite thing and has been since November.

Here is a link to his Blog/Gallery --> John Kenn

Tell me what you think.

What is it?

The post before resembles me pretty accurately when I'm at home
but when I go to school or go out anywhere, all those things disappear
I don't know why
Not always, but most of the time I'm a lot happier

I just thought I should let you guys know
that I don't always feel like
but I still do feel it quite often
and it is always when I am at home

Right now this blog is not that great
I am probably going to delete it soon because it's pretty pathetic
It's a lot of me in my weakest moments
and I like to have that
but at the same time, it's all you guys are getting.
And that's no good
Oh well
Have a good night.

So Long, Lonesome

I wonder what it would feel like to be in love
to kiss a girl
to go on a date
to drive by myself
to go on a walk in the winter night
to feel accomplished
to have friends outside of school
to be attractive
to feel confident about myself
to have a best friend that doesn't make fun of you
to have a best friend
to be asked to hang out
to be a likable person
to not feel lonely constantly
to not feel like my days as a teenager are useless
to go to sleep content
to want to wake up
to truly believe in God
to stop holding back
to feel like I have control
to have self-esteem
to stop wishing
to stop thinking about what everyone else is doing
to feel like I am important
to stop imagining a better life when I listen to music
to like who I am
to feel happy

Reignited

Here comes a short post
Just finished reading "The adventures of Huckleberry Finn"
OHEMGEE OHEMGEE
wow
I love that book
Thank you so much American Studies for "making" me read it
I am at a loss for words right now
But just thinking about Huck and Jim's days on the raft
and having to run away from his deadbeat father
and one of my favorite parts of the entire book
is when Huck is contemplating whether he should leave jim alone since he's a runaway slave or save him since he is Huck's friend and they have gone through so much, but he just wants to do what's right in God's eye, but then he says Oh well I'll just go to hell then to save Jim.
But really it's really cool because that IS the right decision and he doesn't even notice it.

After all this it reignited my wanting to read books again
so yeah
if you could comment your favorite book or something
that would be cool
right now I'm planning on reading "A fault in our stars" because both Bailey and Em mentioned they loved it.

Anyway have a good day.

Nyctophilia

Most if not all of the things I've posted on here are just me ranting/complaining almost
so maybe I'll change that
and yeah I am posting on here, and I don't know why I am

I'm struggling with an addiction
not one that I had acknowledged until recently
but it's one that is definitely something I need to stop
I spend too much time on the internet (yet here I am on blogger)
I would get "social experiences" from social media and the such
and it's been hazardous to my mental state
but basically, with any addiction, it's a very selfish thing
and what I've come to realize is that you're being selfish to yourself and your dreams
and I needed to stop, and so I'm stopping
I haven't recorded anything for maybe 3 weeks, not a single thing
it's terrible
but I'm glad I realized it now instead of later

Anywho here are some things I have going for me
- I've started to give up my time on the internet
- I hung out with zac, will and tyler and discovered some people I want to hang out with for time to come
- I get my braces off a week before christmas
- I'm less depressed
- I feel like I'll be able to read all the things I need to for american studies

Last friday before I hung out with will and them, I went for a walk in the park with some tunes (maserati to be exact) and I just set off walking, just to go and do something instead of staying in my room, I just walked and listened. I would stop and look at parts of the creek and look at how interesting it was, and I had my over-the-ear headphones on so I couldn't hear anything around me, but after about a minute one stop I turned around a saw a group of girls my age that were videotaping me on their phones and laughing, I walked up out and onto the path and towards them (because that was the way I was going) and I just wondered why. I awkwardly walked past them and continued on my aimless pursuit, still ready to accomplish something. I got to the sunset park and walked around the edge and noticed a sort of hidden area that was on a steep hill. I peeked into it and saw below a secluded area of the creek where there was an island like thing in the middle and such, I also noticed a large styrofoam cup right down there in the way. I just wanted to be selfless, because I knew that doing so would help with my addiction, plus I was just sad that such a pretty area could be littered so badly. I made my way down the steep hill to find even more garbage and started to collect it into a pile. I continually found more garbage, and the best part is, I even found an garbage bag that hadn't even been unfolded and was on top of the soil right there. How on earth could that be a coincidence. I was determined to clean this place up, even though I took several spills on the steep and wet terrain. After about 20 minutes at that spot, and with 3/4 of a garbage bag full of trash I started to make my way back home. Long story short, I saw more trash in the heritage park right by cedar ridge and spent the next hour or so picking up trash using trash to hold it, such as ziplock bags. Overall I was able to finish 2 maserati albums so about 1.5-2 hours just picking up trash on a friday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, with the overcast clouds making everything twilit. I left with my hands muddy and dirty from litter but I was happy. So happy. That day ended up being one of the greatest days, with will and them coming over and having an awesome time just talking and chilling with music and playing pool and the conversation never died and I could tell them anything. It was great.

Hello (Helpless)

Today has been a rough day
and it's not the rough day that I'm sad about
it's what it lead me to understand

I'm not going to go into detail because it's about the most typical rough day you could picture
but right now I just want somebody to talk to
I was missing out on hanging out with my friends because they forgot to invite me
and I did that thing where you look through your contacts on your phone and see if there might be somebody there who cared for me
and then it hit me
nobody there even cares about me for who I am
I've realized now that I can't share anything with them really
and I have nobody to talk to
LITERALLY
the one person I used to be able to always rely on, was my older sister
but she is serving the people of Washington on a mission

I feel completely helpless
I thought I had somebody who cared about me
and somebody who could listen to me
that's all I've ever wanted
but it's just another slap in the face by reality

sure some of you who read this might say you care about me
and maybe you think you do
but you aren't a part of my life
you've gotta understand that this blog is just a distraction for me to get away from worldly things
that was the same with ask.fm and the such
My ask.fm started out as something that would be fun and interesting
but then turned into something that did the opposite
I would check it about once every day since it was on my bookmark bar
and every time I would open it I wouldn't see any new notifications
it made me feel like nobody cared about what I had to say
and not to mention the only questions I got were from a robot
the ones that updated every day
and so I deleted it

It wasn't until recent that I've realized this blogging thing has just had a negative affect on me
I check it every day
I hope to see something new
and normally this wouldn't be depressing
but
the truth is

this is the only form of communication that I have with any of you

because of that, and without my control, it makes it painful

So I'm going to go and delete the bookmark so I can try to stop checking on it
same with facebook
maybe
just maybe
I will be able to talk to
have a conversation with
share music with
rant and listen to
be there for
take a walk with
explore with
hope with
or just anything with
...You
without having to look through a friggen computer screen

because honestly
none of you are a part of my life
the things you say and the feelings you have are all beautiful
but they just remind me that I don't have that in my life
this blog reminds me of new beginnings
that never actually happened outside of the computer screen

your thoughts and feelings are accessed by a database on a server somewhere in Asia
but I just want to be able to access things from my memory
things that actually happen
tangible experiences

to wrap up
I hope that this is the last time I feel like I have to post something on here (or post on here at all)
to hope that somebody is listening
to hope that maybe they will become something outside of a pixel
and most of all I hope that I can meet some of you
because I don't know any of you
you are all names to me
I've never met any of you in person
and I hope that maybe someday I can
so that I can forget the provocative feeling of knowing who you are, but having ALL of that go to waste once I close the tab

Northbound

Well
I've had a major paradigm shift
and it was all thanks to writing this talk for church
I know how corny that sounds but it's incredible how I feel right now
Also we had an amazing lesson on gratitude today
I have laid out a fresh canvas to start again
Hopefully I can continue to focus on it

The past few days have been bad for me
I had just felt really down on myself
but it wasn't until I had un utterly nostalgic feeling
my little sisters were watching Home Alone
and the happy soundtrack came on
and I felt the way I did when I watched it as a kid
it felt amazing
then I realized I want to change my life
back to the innocence
to the innocence of watching the Polar Express
recently after finding out Santa Claus wan't real
and having to mix the reality of it with the absolute desire to believe

Innocent, not naive
my friends don't seem all that bad now
because it's easier for me to focus on what I have now
because I have a fresh mindset
and don't worry about what I don't have
"fix what you can" Elder Holland said in the last GC
and that was the talk I spoke on today
but yeah I'll just copy and paste it down here so you can read it if you want
and I'm not going to stand here and say I did this on my own because I didn't
God had helped me change my heart, and continues to do so.

Hi everyone my name is Ashton Young, and this week I was asked to give my thoughts on my favorite talk from this recent general conference. There were many things to pull out of each talk, but to me, Jeffrey R. Holland’s “Like a Broken Vessel” talk stood out most to me.

In the talk he opens up by directly stating “...I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime.” I personally don’t have any connection with extreme mental disorders whether it be in myself or others, but I found this to be particularly interesting because I’ve never heard the Church’s standpoint on these types of things.

He then says “In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.”Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials.” There are some important keywords in that statement that I find to be interesting, such as  “fallen world”. It is another reminder that the world’s way of living is not the way God intends us to live. Sometimes we find ourselves making exceptions for “the small things” of the Gospel and convince ourselves that we are above the law. Eventually, you will find that you have succumbed to the standards of this fallen world and cannot see the Lord’s hand in your life. Luckily, through the atonement we can repent and change our hearts. Another important phrase in the statement promises that by putting our trust in the Savior, “He will lift us triumphantly over our tests in trials.” Having our family and friends help us through trials alone might help us get through the trials, whether we are standing strong or stumbling through to the end, but trusting in the Savior, we are promised to overcome the trials triumphantly.

He then starts to address depression, and some examples of how it can creep up on us. With power, he says, “I once terrifyingly saw it in myself.” For me, this was the most powerful and humbling part of his talk, and possibly throughout the entire conference. It is a very important to understand that General Authorities and Prophets of God are people who live with consciousness and temptation, just like you and I do. At times, we see people that seem to have everything going their way, and wonder why our lives can’t be as problem-free as theirs, but the truth is everybody has trials. It’s something that we understood when we decided to come to Earth, and is crucial for us to understand now. Knowing this will keep us humble and empathetic towards others, and overall we can take comfort knowing that we can endure.

Whatever it is that you are suffering through, or going to be suffering through, remember this, “Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. “That love never changes, it is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there. Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Believe in miracles.”

Before General Conference I had been going through some trials, and knew that I would be able to change my ways, but I didn’t think that I was able to change my heart. I testify to you today, that through The Atonement, God will help you see what you truly want, as long as you are willing to put some work into it. (Bear testimony about seeing God’s hand in life and god’s love)


As hypocritical as it sounds since I posted about depression about a week ago, that was just me having to admit that it's been going on for a while, and I wouldn't say it's over yet, but I had to admit it and understand it for myself to allow me to move forward in dealing with it.

EDIT: (9/15/14) Although I don't agree with this now, I still think it's important to leave it here. Serves as a bone in the past.

Calling me back

I never thought I would come to say it
or at least to other people
I am suffering from the chains of depression

At first I would sometimes think "I might be a depressed person, but I don't want to let myself think that"
but now I know it
and it's terrible
to say the least

No, this has nothing to do with anybody who reads this blog
I thought that I could carry myself through
and I found out soon enough that I could not stand
I wanted to have others help me along the way
but I found no help in others
I relied upon music to help lift my mood when I felt down
but it's effects eventually wore off
in my last efforts I threw out pleas to God
yet they remained unanswered
just the common repeats of "God loves you"
"God knows you"
"God will help you"
Yet it is as if there is no God
I have received nothing from my answers
but then again
I haven't read my scriptures for the longest time
but I can't bring myself to do it
because what if the ONE thing I've relied on my ENTIRE life can't help me there?
What am I supposed to do then?
I would have nothing

I realize that the past couple years of my life have been a recurring affect of
knowing that you got the right answer on the test, but then when you correct the test you find out that the things you thought you knew were WRONG, and that you can't tell the difference between the real knowledge you have and the knowledge you thought FOR SURE you "knew."

I don't know why I am depressed
I don't know when it started to emerge
I don't know why I'm even telling you this

I'm sure if I put this out somewhere more public people would be like "Dont comitt suicid dude. u r a rlly kool dood." and obviously they wouldn't word it like that, but that's how I interpret it. And no I'm not committing suicide, I'm depressed not unstable.

Trying to put depression into my words wouldn't do it justice, but I can give you an idea about what it's like.
- No motivation to do anything
          I can't focus on guitar or anything creative at all. I just do schoolwork. And I barely get by with that.
- Feeling isolated from the rest of the world
          I sat at home friday night in my room. and that's what I usually do everyday. I'll check my phone every once in a while just to see if anybody texted me. Then I would remember that the people I call friends only invite me to make the group more "partysized" or the people that are my friends at school don't care about anything about me outside of school. Heck I can leave my phone on silent for days and not even notice that it was on silent. I used to ask some friends if they could hang out and what not but I've learned over a long period of time that with most of my friends, the only reason I hang out to them is to be with people. I don't even enjoy the time I spend with them, it's just time with other people. So I would sit and play guitar and then realize I can't even write what I want to hear. If all else fails, then I just resort to the internet to distract me from my worldly troubles.
- Helpless and Hopeless
         It's like I get home and every muscle just stops working. Depression literally causes physical exhaustion and it's not like "oh I'm so tired from working out all day" but the kind of "sleepy tired" and it never leaves. That's why I've felt "so tired" over the longest time. I thought it was because I wasn't sleeping enough too. But there is literally nothing I can aspire to in the future right now. I have no goals. I'm at a standstill
- Being more shy than normal

And then there's the people who say "how can you be depressed you live in a nice house with lots of food in a "free" country and your dad has a job" and yeah I'm grateful for those things but how the hell am I supposed to be grateful for those things if I've never known life without them? Not to mention those are all things that affect you physically and that I could have the nicest things and the world and probably be more depressed.

I still don't believe what I'm hearing when I say it outloud, but I Ashton Phillip Young am suffering from depression, and I don't have the slightest clue as to what is going to lead me out of it.
How did it even happen?
I can still remember the days when I was in deacon's quorum and everything seemed to be going my way. How did it come to this? how?
Maybe I realized that I wasn't happy, but do you know how much I would give to even feel the fakest slight of happiness or love from another person? I've considered just getting a girlfriend just to have somebody who can give me the false impression that they care about my well being. Then shortly after thinking that I remember I don't even have many friends who want to be around me at all and the cycle repeats.

It is now 10:00pm on October 7, 2013 and I'm going to do a Spanish assignment and try to stay awake because all day today I've felt "tired" and I still continue to feel that. After that I'm going to go brush my teeth and try  to fall asleep at a decent hour. My alarm is going to go off at 6:15 and then I'll start the next day of the cycle that seems to be far from my control.

An Experiment

I was asked a really interesting question on the way home from school today
more like a "what would you do in a situation like this" instead of a question
but I was curious to see your responses
also don't try to think creatively and avoid giving an answer
it's not some kind of trick question or riddle
so please comment below

Situation 1:
You are at the head of a train
there is a divide on the tracks coming up
the track you are currently set for has five people tied to the tracks and you are too close now to stop the train from hitting them
on the other branch of the track there is one person tied on the track
you have to the option to pull the lever and kill one person or leave it and kill five people
what would you do?

Situation 2:
You are on a bridge that goes over some train tracks
there is only one path this time
five people are tied down on the track
and the trains brakes won't be enough to stop it in time
there is an obese person standing on the bridge with you
if you were to push them over in front of the train
the train would be stopped enough to save the five people
what would you do?

What is the difference between the two situations?
I want to have a follow up post discussing what I think (and what Trevor said, the person who originally asked me this question)
but first I gotta let you think for yourself. So go ahead and comment
and soon I'll follow up on it.
But I really want to hear your thoughts

Trap

This song is incredible and the meaning is great
The original just goes along with the album
but I definitely prefer the choir version for a good show
like an incredible show
like a spectacular array of sound and color (almost literally) going on all around you
the original one is simple and sweet
and you will get it when you listen to either one or both

Alligator (Original)

Alligator (Choir Version)

It's a fear, it is near
The shriek becomes ever clear
A bear's teeth Extra sharp 
that'll cut you in the heart 
Yet a dog's really quick 
Try and fight it with a stick 
There's no use, give it up 
This is life and this is love 
You are my alligator 
You are my alligator

-Grizzly Bear

Elevation

fly me to the stars, there they aren't scared of me
now here at last remove your mask
everybody's telling you exactly what you are worth
So we play the same songs each and every day waiting for someone to show us the way


- The Opinion Heads

The End

"And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed this life."

I hope that when my time comes, I can look death in the face and say without hesitating "I've gotten what I could ever want out of this life" and walk with him without having regret in this world.

To Bailey

So I the last thing I knew of that you wrote until today was the "life is sweet like cinnamon" one

apparently blogger decided to make me unfollow you unknowingly

until today I was going to reread some of your posts

and then I had realized what had happened

so yeah

Also I'm going to be 100% honest and revealing my "bones" so please be understanding and if you are not Bailey, feel free to read but half of this won't make sense to you.

Anyway

I'll update you on a little bit

A lotta bit I mean

First things first, ever since the whole birthday incident

I thought that you just wanted to be done with me

Like I felt like you were ignoring me and maybe you were

but to sum it up, I had believed, and it took some time but I had convinced myself I was just beating a dead horse so to speak

Also I really just want to get this cleared up

throughout the summer we would text and post blog posts and stuff

but we never really saw each other face to face

and there's nothing really too wrong with that

but it was basically like living in a long distance relationship when you were just down the street a little ways

and I was thinking we had so much in common and all that

and I really just wanted to have a good friend to talk to during school and stuff

I was thinking of times we could get together and stuff

and I really could only think of 2 since I was gone half the time during the summer and they were

1. Your Birthday

2. My Birthday party (I never even had one, I didn't know what I wanted to do :P)

and I'm just getting so sidetracked kind of but real quick context

last year for your birthday when you refused to let me give you a present I thought it was the old "aww really you don't have to" and I just wanted to be "the awesome guy who gives you presents on your birthday without you having a party" and so I did it anyway and left and everything. But this year I wanted to do it to sincerely thank you for "introducing me to be me" I imagined I would knock and hand you a Justin's Organic Peanut Butter Cup and a handwritten letter and then we would just say hi and stuff and then sit down on your front porch steps just talking about everything that's been going on and then our relationship would be stronger and we would basically just talk during school and stuff and just be really good friends.

But after I screwed that all up, I had felt like you wanted nothing to do with me and so when school started and I would randomly see you in the hallway I just felt bad. I don't know what specifically but it was something close to intimidated. I felt like I wanted to talk to you but you didn't want to even come near me.

One thing that I'm still not sure about is if some things you wrote are about me...like "tfum" because I think that was maybe a response to me, but I never even got it thanks to blogger. Also since when do you take American Studies...???? We should start a study group for the friday tests with William Bradshaw, you, me and anyone else and then after wards just listen to beirut and hangout or something the hip kids do these days. And that class is easily my favorite, Mr Birrell is hilarious and we talk about interesting things like the Scarlet Letter (which I'm still probably going to write about on here) and it's great. Oh yeah and we read the Great Gatsby later in the year which I still no nothing about but I know you love it so that's kewl.

I would like to talk to you about more of this at school! Have a good Sunday. That is if you really hold up on your word about checking up on this every single day...because it means a lot to me that you read this at all. I thought you stopped reading it altogether. Even if you don't it's totally fine.)

-Ashton

Cliffed Sanctuaries

Haven't posted in a while and I haven't felt obligated to but there is another experience I hope to share. Also a couple things to clarify.

For the next few songs I want to you to listen to them and preferrably in a dark place as strange as that sounds, but it's easier to achieve music-dream-sleep that way, and it fits with the mood. And then honestly just let your imagination go as if you were falling asleep and let the song guide your feelings, cause that's what will happen most of the time.

I'm not telling you how to listen to music cause obviously everybody is different and music shouldn't be something that you are SUPPOSED to do a certain way. I'm just wanting to you TRY out something specific that is personal to me and so that we can have similar experiences because mine are something that hits home.

Anyway enough blabber and here

Ulrich Schnauss "Monday - Paracetamol"

Trentemoller "Take me into your skin"

also some context for the songs
they are two songs that came up on pandora very soon after discovering "indie" music
and they took me into a very clear state of thinking and it released the chains of my current thinking (at the time) and it made my imagination run wild and the places the subconscious took me are something beautiful, but not always nice. You'll get what I mean after listening.

and honestly these just might be any old songs to you and that's JUST FINE. Like honestly sometimes I reread what I wrote and it sounds like "If you don't get anything out of it, you need to get on my level" and that's not what I want at all. So yeah. I'm just going to push Publish and start to get back into my cut-out schedule-life with homework, jobs and almost no social interaction.

The Hidden Expanse

The reason I changed the URL is because the other one was meant to be temporary, plus it was pretty cheesy
Why the hidden expanse?
Because throughout my whole life I distinctively remember wanting to have this secret compartment, in the dense space of my closet, that would open up a little crawlspace type thing, that would eventually lead to a room where nobody knew of it's existence except for me. When I was a little kid it was mostly meant for just being able to play video games and goof off and do whatever I wanted to without being bothered or needed.
Now I wish I had it just so I could COMPLETELY cut off my influence with the rest of the world, but then again my whole entity is based off of society and education and I know my family would soon find out I was gone and that would bring worry. So there are a few flaws with the physical representation of that, but the important thing is now I realize this places acts like that, but in a mental form. I can't literally escape from my life for example right now I can hear my brothers and sisters arguing and screaming and that's not ideal.
Anywho the important thing is that even though there are other people reading this blog, it's still my place of escape, because I feel almost no pressure putting whatever I feel on here. I can escape the bondage of certain people's influence. Although this isn't exactly what I want, it's very useful.
Honestly if I could have a place to go it would either be the room, or an area where I can climb up some tall lanky but sturdy trees, maybe up 200 feet off the ground. In my mind, I imagine myself sitting there in a hammock tied between the two trunks with branches that extend only upward, and the hammock itself being about twice the size of a normal hammock, and it's one that sinks in so that the outer "walls" of the hammock engulf you and there is this thick mist/fog about 20 feet below that acts as a veil and silences everything below it so all you are seeing is the tops of trees that extend seemingly forever into the sky, they even start to get a little bit of a curvature with the world making them seem surreal. You realize how awesome (literally) this place is and you want to share it with people. Then you realize that there are other hammocks connected to the tree in front of your feet, surrounding it and making a circle and we are all up their reading our books, and sharing what we learn from them and it's not exactly silent, but there is a sound emanating from the expanse, something almost inaudible, but it's one of those sounds that just adds so much comfort, better than silence and not distracting in any way. Probably the closest I can guess is something just close to nature sounds occurring. You can read on your own or just talk together, and the whole time you are just suspended and wrapped around in your own hammock and honestly, I hope that one day this can lead to that. I don't know what that place is in my life, but I seek it out in somebody else, I search for the person who can grant it to me. A person who can let me be myself in the purest form.
That's why I changed it.

Vocals hooray

Keeping you updated with my music, and I used Window Live Movie Maker this time to make it easier.
But yeah here is a sample tune with backup vocals and guitar
I don't really have anything I want to say for lead vocal so that's why there aren't any.
If you could leave a response or some feedback or something that would be cool
and if you could also do it in the future for my songs that would be great as well
Thanks for listening to me
not just musically

Flow

Hey
This is for Bonesss
I don't think I've ever mentioned it
but I've always really really really loved your work
everything you say just rolls off the tongue and it just
sounds sweet and makes me think of people who do that for
a living. I mean whenever I start to write something, I will sometimes take
a look at your work just to give me some ideas, and basically you have the kind of humor
and writing style that I have always strived for. So thank you for doing that and keep it up :P

Also Em
You have a different style from Bonness
and I love it just as much
really it's probably just the analogy's and the phrases that I think
"well even though it doesn't make sense to me right now, it sounds as cool as heck"
like for example your blog title
first time I saw that I was just blown away
but yeah
I could write a lot more about you guysszz but I'm still pretty tired/frustrated after working to get my music up on this bloggg.

Once again though. Thanks for bringing some temporary happiness in my life and please continue to write

-Ashton

LDC

Finally got my large diaphragm condenser and can record with a lot higher quality
been mostly experimenting with it and haven't produced anything official or completed with it yet
but if you are wanting to keep up with what I've been recording lately here you go:

Also by the way none of it is on SoundCloud because you only have 2 hours of material to put on there and so I want to put the best of the best on there only.

Since I'm such a noob at iMovie I could barely figure out how to make the music into a simple movie, like I had no interest in the visuals at all and so it gave me what you are about to see. The reason I did this is cause you can upload videos to blogger, but not straight up audio for some reason....

Oh yeah and also I know some parts in the first one don't sound quite right, but the lead was 100% improv, so give me a breather if ya would.

EDIT: ALRIGHT THIS IS VERY FRUSTRATING WHEN I MADE THEM INTO MOVIES IT TOOK AWAY ALL THE AUDIO QUALITY THAT MADE IT SOUND SO GOOD DANGIT I SPENT ABOUT AN HOUR TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT OH MAN. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

Alrighty then

So today I found out some interesting news:
1. I no longer have a job
2. My boss was doing a $4M Ponzi Scheme
3. HE OWES ME $104 FOR MY WORK AND I PROBABLY WONT GET IT D':

But yeah anyways if you would like to read about him here

That little Bastard who took my earnings and ran

He was also my families insurance agent
and so this took me by surprise.
Lots o unwanted surprise
yup

Phaith

Been thinking about a lot of what I believe in lately
Maybe take the time to make a distinguished line between faith and fear
I know that I constantly replace one with the other frequently
Compare
How much of a difference is there....

Fear of death                         Faith in everlasting life
Fear of hell                             Faith in heaven
Fear of shame                        Faith in doing "the right thing"
Fear of shun                           Faith that God loves everybody
Fear of being alone                 Faith that families are forever

Fear that you won't see loved ones again

That one applies to me
It's something I've feared my whole life
Maybe it's time I move on
Maybe it's time I confront my fear, and get rid of it

Sometimes the things I rely on
end up being a joke
something made up
and it all leads to disappointment and the thought that
"why did I even bother to hope for it..."

I truly am sorry for any offense taken by this
but these kinds of things
are important to me
and I'm going to put them in the one place I can share them freely
on1y

Mass graves for the pump and the price is set

I don't know what started my random obsession with Rage Against the Machine, I don't believe in all of their ideas such as socialism/communism, but man do they have some good songs, and some good meaning. I just try to dissect each song with the lyrics and figure out what they are talking about, luckily "Testify" is pretty straightforward. The combination of Zach's conviction, Tom Morello's guitar playing / DJing, and the overall feel of the song is something pretty irresistible to me. Sure I'm not some guy to start protesting, but I really do love what they are doing, and it sounds very hypocritical but in my head it's really not.

If you are interested at all, I have some links for you. If not don't worry about it, but one thing I thought was interesting was I had the thought a while back that really we don't know what's happening on the other side of the world, our news programs could just be a bunch of propaganda used to spark our hatred. Not to mention without it, none of us would ever begin to know or care about the specific events, since we have no way of knowing it. Normally I just open up the song on grooveshark/youtube and then the lyrics page and read along, but this one has a good music video for it as well, so I recommend opening the lyrics page up first and reading through them, and then watching the video and listening to the song.

And in case you are wondering, there is nothing explicit in the song

Lyrics

Music Video / Song

And if you want a little more insight on some of the harder to understand lyrics, try googling it or just
 Click Here

Answered?

I never EVER thought that I would find something useful with heavy metal, and I don't even know what got me listening to it for the past 30 minutes, it was some kind of weird experiment with a long chain of youtube videos from things like Rage Against the Machine and I ended up in Slipknot.

Anyways I remember seeing a TV show commercial about an interview with the lead singer of the band, and his crazy genious lyrics, so I figured I would look up some explanation of the song since I can't really understand what he's saying since he's basically yelling it into the microphone.

Anyways the one song I decently know by them is "Before I Forget" because it was on Guitar Hero III so I listened to it and then looked it up.

Turns out the lyrics are very interesting and from somebody's explanation, something kind of hit me hard. Here it is:

People need to stop thinking that Corey's only writing very personal songs about himself, and concentrate on the way they've written the lyrics which (even though it reflects events in his own life), anyone can relate to:

This seems to be what people are confused about:

"I am a world before I am a man

I was a creature before I could stand

I will remember before I forget

Before I forget that!"

Most people have interpreted it as being about evolution xD... LOL SlipKnoT's songs are almost always very 'personal' or based on feelings alone. It CAN be interpreted that way, but it has too many loose ends. I should mention first that evolution is -very- similar, metaphorically, to a human being growing up. In my opinion, anyone who has just reached 'adulthood' from adolescence (your teenage years), can come to realize what that meant, and it's really something:

"I was a creature before I could stand" = Easily interpreted: When you were a baby, you were self-centered, self-indulgent, and didn't necessarily 'think', you just did what you felt like, no matter what it was. 'Creature' is a metaphor for this. I've mentioned this first because it's just plain obvious.

"I am a world before I am a man" = This one's my favorite from this song, and to be honest, it's one of my favorite quotes, ever. I know I sound far-fetched here, but seriously this one line perfectly describes through metaphor: you growing up into an adult, and what that really means. When you're an adolescent (teenager), you have a psychological trait called 'tunnel vision', which isn't actually a tunnel-limited vision, but a way you perceive the entire world around you. All adolescents have this, and it makes you feel as if 'life would last forever', and you don't understand that life is in fact 'short' until you lose this trait when you become an adult. In this case, "world" is a metaphor for how you see yourself as an adolescent: you feel as if you WILL be exactly what you want to be in life (this one varies, and at least a few do), and you're constantly 'image-conscious' and 'self-conscious', wanting to 'have a certain identity', and wanting to be recognized as "someone" rather than "no one". Most of all though, you have your very own, opinionated perception of the "world" around you. (I'm aware I'm describing a rebellious teen, but seriously, this is a Slipknot song). In other words, you're a 'world' as a teenager, but anyone who has actually 'grown up' definitely knows that to be a "Man" in the modern world, you eventually need to 'let go' of those thoughts and accept the system: now you're no longer a "world", you're PART of it :].

To be honest, this song's helped me understand what it takes to -actually- grow up, and everyone's gotta check this out, if you still doubt the meaning I've given:

It's got a VERY similar name, and pretty much -exactly- the same meaning xD...

So what hit me hard was the whole thing about tunnel vision. I don't know how he was able to explain me so well. This whole blog has been dedicated to the fact about how I feel about myself and my emotions, and worrying about my relations and me me me ME. That might be what is holding me back in life, trying to find happiness in what others do for me, but really maybe what I have been looking for is finding happiness in my relationships to others, and just other people in general. I was actually thinking recently before I read that explanation about how sometimes I feel really "deep" and wanting to share somethings, but at other times I've been thinking to myself how dumb the whole thing is.

So yeah. Thank you Slipknot. That's a big step for me. I think this is definitely something to hold onto and to apply in my life. MY life haha, how ironic. Except maybe it's not going to be anymore after the application. It's not something that's going to happen all at once obviously, but it's a paradigm shift.

There is a lot more I want to say that can wait another time, for it is almost 11:00 and I'm trying to get onto a regular sleep schedule because of school, which I'm excited for by the way.


EDIT: I had some extra tabs open and now that I remember, it started with me listening to the album "Sarah" by the Opinion Heads (or mostly just Trever I think), and then I got to the weird myth that if you play the Pink Floyd album and Wizard of oz at the same time, they go together really really well and that it may or may not be a coincidence and then it all got carried away from there. So yeah.

That there, that's not me

Yet again I find myself expressing emotions through sound and lyric, but holding back because of fear
fear of disappointment
fear of imagining the bottle would come back
come bring me happiness, or whatever it was I felt
Maybe go back and read "Float"
It was a prediction between me and you
one I hoped that wouldn't have to happen so soon
obviously it was going to happen but maybe not all at once
unfortunately I was right
but fortunately that story didn't end, it was just another chapter of a book full of chapters
and I'm hoping that I can turn the page and be ready for what's coming for me
because frankly I have no idea what it is.

Here is something I wrote today in my phone, whilst listening to "How to disappear completely (and never be found again)" by Radiohead. I encourage you to listen to it after reading it, and read the lyrics (in the description).

I don't know what our relationship means anymore, to me or you
I'm still trying to figure out what you are to me
because I can't tell you how many times I've punched myself mentally because of what I said
and the worst part is I don't know how you feel about it, except I know it's not positive
and I understand that
but I want to make sure that I can move on or not whether you want to open the next chapter or not
I will keep reading as long as there is still text on the page, because right now I am intrigued by this story and it is helping me in my life
It's something I can hold on to

If you are wondering why I am putting this on my blog, is because I want this to be here when I look through my blog, I don't want this to be forgotten into the lost abyss where deleted text messages go.

Tele

If you want to make an attempt to get to know me better, and to discover things about your own emotions
I recommend you take an hour out of your day, probably any time except for mid day
but go get some over the ear headphones, borrow them if you need to
go on a bike ride somewhere
go by yourself and make sure you feel isolated, from people (works very well when it's dark)
and let the music speak to you
"The Language of Cities" - Maserati

Hey Happy Birth Day

You should turn on a happy song with good music.
Elephant Gun - Beirut
I don't know if you ever listen to the music that I say to turn on at some posts
but if anything else you should put this one on.
Seriously though, the mood of this song is so good
there is something irresistible about Beirut

Hey guess what
So a lot of things kind of went wrong
I was about to name something off that went wrong, but it can still happen

Just reading that makes this post sound all deep and depressing
but it's not
it's about a birthday

So yeah I was going to do something classified because like I said it's like some sort of secret birthday present, but now it's going to be a late secret birthday present
but I am in Nevada right now
so it's not going to happen
yet c:
anyway I was going to wait til Midnight and say happy birthday through text and maybe have a cool conversation
but then I remembered that you changed your number when you got your new phone (I think)
So then I was going to write a blog post
So I was waiting then I realized back in Utah it's already midnight
and that basically brings us to now

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yeah you get the All Caps on your birthday.
I guess what I really want to say though is thank you.
Thank you for doing so much for me, whether you realize it or not
When I found out that we had a lot of stuff in common.
Which was basically after reading your blog
You gave me some encouragement to start putting my thoughts to paper ( or keyboard)
Really though, without you involved, all of these thoughts compiled together on this website
would have just remained with suppressed urges and stories in the back of my mind that would slowly fade away and I would eventually forget about
I just absolutely love the way you write, you can write beautifully. I don't have such a wide vocabulary, or a sense of which way to put the words together. Just like that last sentence. It was horrid. I just put words that come to my mind together, and try to see if I can get the point across somehow.
I really like your sense of humor. I sit there reading some of your posts and just start laughing and it's not uncontrollable ROFL (which nobody does anyway) but it's just something I find to be my favorite kind of humor. Like a little bit silly, but it makes sense still. I don't know how to explain it.
Lastly thank you for being there for me when I am having #thestruggle. Like whenever I am sitting there in my room thinking about some random stuff with life and how I am trying to find my place in this world, and trying to find the friends. The friends who won't criticize me for who I am, not even the friends that accept me for who I am, but I want to find people who will want to know more about me and not think "well he's good enough for me to hang around" and then I won't be all open book, they will have to figure it out or at least try to, but they would be the same way and we would be the best of friends. Things like that where I can just talk to you about and know that you understand and add to it.

So there's a little sample of a list of some stuff about you for your birthday. I hope it brightened your birthday. It's nice to be able to express myself anonymously in the sense that only a few people are going to see this, but not really since you all know who it is from.

Oh yes and don't forget, you should text me so I can has your number 8016365794

-Ashton

P.S. I've been sort of fanboy-ing over Beirut the past little while, but even though it's not the "Happy Birthday" type of song, I still think it's more than fitting
Nantes - Beirut

You

Your realization and application of yourself determines who you are
How are you supposed to know who you are when you apply yourself against yourself at certain times and in certain situations?
The more consistently you do this the more dramatic and impressing change of "you" will be
How do you know what's the real "you", or when you are just putting on a mask of personality around different people
It has been said that what you do and think about when you are by yourself determines who you are
But you are going to be thinking about others and without realizing it you are going to be thinking the same way you would be thinking if you were around them

So whether you want to admit it or not, other people have made who you who you are now, and have always been. Except you haven't "always been", you've just always been changing, because maybe the people you associate with are changing, personally, or there are just new people completely.

So Trevor if you ever get around to reading this, I came up with this while eating my dinner and was thinking about Gleason. I was wondering about the things you told me about how he was trying to see what could potentially become of Sarah, and how you think that the reason for that is because he had felt love, and so he pursued it and is trying to make the best of it and all of that. I was trying to understand it from both sides, Sarah's and his, and I don't know Sarah very well, but like we both agreed you can tell what she is all about. I was just thinking about why people behaved the ways they did and I just started writing down things on my phone and later revised it a little bit and put it on here.

Thank you people for taking the time to read this. I just thought about it, but it really does mean a lot to me. Especially coming from people who I know understand. Seriously though, thank you.

Quest

Alright well for starters
I have a lot to say
but I haven't put it on this blog
I'll explain why in a second
Recently I've had a lot of great times and experiences to do some thinking
for example I just got off a 2 1/2 day backpacking trip up in the Uintahs
and it was great to get away from
everything
It's nice just to live off the land for a while
Nothing really too significant, just lots of fun with new experiences

I've actually been keeping track of things I want to blog about on my phone
just little topics that have interested me or something so I don't forget them
but I haven't said anything about them
and kind of like what I said in "surreal" I don't have motivation to blog
and lucky for me and you I have discovered why
when I first started this blog
without really even realizing it
I started this so that I could communicate
"communicate what?" you say
well just to communicate...with you
Everything I have said on my blog is completely real and me
but the thing is I had a different motif then
It was really the only stable form of communication we had
even though it was completely indirect
it was still interaction
I had discovered something beautiful
a something that I wanted to take part in
and so I did
another motif that I had
was that I wanted to let you know what had happened
what had happened since we last knew each other
I wanted to let you know why I behaved a certain way at certain times
and because of the way I had interacted with you at the time
I wanted to persuade you to think that I really was different

I really didn't do all of this very knowingly
it was just a subconscious reaction
and I'm finally figuring it out

I finally had found somebody worth sharing my crazy ideas and thoughts with
somebody who wouldn't just say "Oh that's nice"
they would add to it and expound on it
It felt like I was happy
Like I was relieved of some duty
and that's because I was happy
Finally

Well unfortunately it wasn't to last
our only way of learning about one another
Why was this our only way to interact?
because she is busy
and I am busy
caught up in this fascinating world
and so whenever we had a free moment or two
we could just put something up on this blog to share
I don't know whether it is accurate or not
but this is how it is on my side of the looking glass
she's already found her friends in the world
she has callings to fulfill whether they are necessary or not
and....really I just don't know

Basically in this huge jumble of emotional nonsense
She stopped posting on her blog
and we kind of just don't communicate
And so I've kind of lost my main motif to post here
Just a one way form of interaction and I'll never know if you have read it or not
I'm sure you're going to read this
and I want you to know that
1. I'm not asking you to start blogging again. I'm not asking you to do anything
2. I really don't know how to express how I'm feeling accurately

Really what I'm trying to get at is that
I found something beautiful in my life
and something that made me feel happy
something that happens to be a rarity to me
a true way for me to interact with somebody who understands and reacts in ways
that really do stun me at times
and for all of that to just be gone in a course of a few weeks
is hard for me
It feels very provocative

If you are Bones (I'll keep your identity a secret hah)
but you should know who you are
if you've read this
just contact me in some way
and tell me what you think
I don't care if it is negative
or just a suppressed urge or feeling
something real


- Ashton

EDIT:
Well it's been an hour or so since I posted this originally
and I finally was able to put it into clear words
"I want to be able to know you better and hear what you have to say, but I don't know how"

Clarity

I really do hate it when people post lyrics
Actually I don't hate it
But I never read them
Sometimes it's nice just to read them though
without the music

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
(Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, hey)

Oh my... the stupid background color is back
and I forgot how to fix it
oh yeah those lyrics were a joke
btdubs
Here is something that kind of hit me today.
Even though it doesn't apply to me currently
It has applied before and it was kind of cool to hear it
anyways here it is
I mostly just like the last two parts
but the first one sounds cool for what it's worth

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

"Clarity" - Zedd (ft. Foxes)

Opinion Heads

Hey you should most definitely check out my friends' new album "House Arrest"

Here it is

If you don't want to hear a few swear words don't listen to the last bonus song "We Got Him" I think it's hilarious but if you don't want to hear it don't force it.

Surreal

I don't even understand what is going on in my life right now

I can't focus on anything

I can't even recall the last time I felt true satisfaction

I've had so much to say, but no motivation to put it on my blog

One reason is because I have nobody to do anything that I want to with

or nobody to call up without thinking "Do I really want to hang out with them or do this with them?"

I went and played some Call of Duty with my friends yesterday and it was fun and funny but mostly nostalgic of a couple years ago

But those kinds of things don't really add to your life

You don't really go ahead and do them again

There's nothing new there

So that's why I haven't really been posting

I'm still questioning everything about myself

and what is going on

And like Gleason always says

Existence

Q&A @ TJ <- Butchering the English Language One Step at a Time

EDIT: I figured out how to remove the background highlight. Go team.

1. If you were told you had six months left to live and someone handed you a million bucks, what would you do? First and foremost I would thank them and tell them to have a nice day. I would probably give it to my father and tell him to have a nice early retirement, after buying a new amp and new guitar. I really wouldn't use it much because I would focus my 6 months on taking down my bucket list. I would just want to talk to people about everything and probably about religion since I am going to find out whether or not there is an afterlife or not. 
2. What do you want to be when you grow up? If I could choose anything at all, I would want to be a musician for a career; whether it be in a band or flying solo, that is my dream job. If that doesn't work it, I want to do something with Computer Science or hopefully graphic design. That would be really cool. 
3. How old do you consider yourself to be? (body & soul) I was just trying to figure out how old my body was, and then it kind of hit me. My body is as old as the first human body. I came from my mom's egg cells who came from her mom's egg cells and it just continues all the way back. I guess that's how it is if you look at it scientifically. Otherwise I guess my body is just 15 years old. I don't know how else to look at it. My soul on the other hand (no pun intended), doesn't seem very old, but it seems like it didn't develop quite right. I started to have to face the reality of this living hell when my mom was taken from me at the age of five. Just a five year old kid who spent his days chasing cats, running away from vacuum cleaners, having water fights, hiding food under the table, etc. had to start facing reality. It kind of disturbs me to look back on that and remember how I felt. 
4. Who means most to you in the world? Honestly I can't say that I have anybody that means the most to me. The mormon textbook answer would be God, but I can't say that I have had any sort of relationship with him at all lately. I really have been trying to find truth myself even though people around me claim to have been born into it, but that is another story for another time. 
5. Do you believe in God? Yeah I believe there is a God, but I can't say that I have a strong belief in a lot of aspects of my religion.
6. What's your favorite color and why? I've always liked the color black. I mean it's the absence of light, not to mention that it has total power over all the other colors. It is made up of nothing, yet it has the power to take over any other color. That's pretty cool. 
7. Tell me a song that brings back a lot of memories. If there is one song that I can lean on to really fix just about anything it's "Quiet Place" by Working For A Nuclear Free City. 
8. Tell me a song that changed your life. I doubt ANY of you are going to ever get it. It's a pretty "popular" song but I really doubt it. Seriously go ahead and take a wild guess. I blacked it out so you don't see it ahead accidentally. Nope. First of the Year by Skrillex. Yeah I know I know. If you read my blog earlier I think it was the post "pathetic" but it kind of explains why, but I will tell you anyway. I kind of liked his music, it was a little scary but I made a Pandora station out of it, then one for Deadmau5, then one for House, then I made one for The Glitch Mob, and when listening to that radio "Asleep at the Wheel" by WFANC (acronym for the guys before) somehow found it's way on there and then I made a radio for them, and then I started to discover what feelings and emotions indie music could produce, even though I didn't understand it at the time. 
9. Tell me about something you love to do and why you love to do it. I love to listen to music. I know shooockkkerrr. But like I have said before, it really is what keeps me going. Just read "sound waves" if you want a rant. 
10. Tell me a joke. "A baby seal walks into a club" I'm sorry that one might be in poor taste, but it was the first one that came to my head. 
11. How do you want to be remembered as a person? Well I want to be remembered as somebody who tried to bring out the good in others, and tried to get his friends to understand their emotions, and tried to make great music that inspired others, and whether or not any of those are going to happen I don't know, but I want to be remembered for them. 
12. Why do you read my blog? Well because you messaged me on facebook about it, and somebody else who has a blog recommended it to me. 
13. Why are you here, on this earth? My theory of it is, we were who we are going to become on this earth, in the premortal life. We have already had personalities and everything that have been affected, but this Earth life is just a reminder of what built your character and why you choose to stand up to certain things, so when you get to the after life, you know why you are who you are. 
14. What type of art do you love? (dancing, singing, painting, just any art) Music obviously, but anything is art. I believe art is just a term for creating something or organizing things to make something else. I think art is when people express themselves by doing certain things such as dancing, or singing, but it really can be anything. 
15. What do you love about yourself? Ha funny you should ask. I am working on loving myself at all. I really can't find anything about me that's really attractive to myself. It may be attractive to others, but not to me. 
16. What do you love about other people? I like it when others can express themselves around people that may not appreciate it. It's just cool to see people be themselves when somebody might want them to be somebody else. 
17. Why do want to be loved? I think being wanted is just a natural feeling that everybody craves. Then again, I just want to know what it feels like to love somebody and know that they love you back. And when I say that I mean mature love not like fatuous "want to go out?" kind of love. I have loved before, at least I think I have, but I have never had anybody match my love which leads to an empty emotion that turns into depression. 
18. What makes you sad? A lot of things. I don't know I will have to make a whole post on this sometime, but most of the things that make me sad have to do with loneliness, depression, feeling helpless, not being appreciated for who I am. And when I say appreciated I don't mean everybody gets up and starts giving me a round of applause for sharing a poem, but instead understand that it means a lot to me and so forth. Not having to get the usual comments "Gay" or just laughing. It is a little bit funny to me though, and only me at the time, but I think that being gay isn't even an insult. I try to explain to them, even if I was gay that wouldn't make a difference. But to them apparently being gay automatically makes you a bad person because God said not to be gay. I'm not gay for the record. I'm just really good at getting off topic. 
19. What are some things that bring you Joy? Temporarily: music Somehthing that lasts and I can ALWAYS lean on to make me happy: still searching for it 
20. What would you do to make the world a better place? I am going to change the word "would" into "could" on that question, just because I don't like to plan on things that aren't going to happen. I could try and get people to understand their emotions, whether it be through music or poetry or a combination of the two. That is the one thing that I try to do with others, and it is almost an addiction to see the end result. 

Hope ya learned a thing or two about me. Whoever is reading this, we should talk in real life because that is one of my favorite things to do. There's another thing you probably didn't know. Alright I'm done. Have a nice day.

Stereo

Sometimes
I feel like I am depressed
days like today remind me of old thoughts I have had
dark thoughts about myself
thoughts which nothing productive sprout from
just obscurity leading to no end

I feel nothing
No inspiration to be found
Anywhere
I feel numb to the world
I have no opinion
I keep to myself
I don't understand what I am feeling
if it is even a feeling at all
but I despise it
I want to leave
but I have nowhere to go
I am a refugee
with no place
to stand
I am bound by chains
because of who I am not
who I am supposed to be
who others think I should be
I am trapped
Their opinion doesn't change me
at all
but I am still bound by their doings
calling me
without end

This feeling
is a weight that shifts
throwing everything I know off balance
in every last direction
and no ground
to take a stand
I can fight back
but it mocks me constantly
trotting in its victory
over me

What is this feeling?
I do not know
but I can tell you
how it came to be

When people you know
use you like somebody you aren't
To my dad, I am the chore doer that obeys orders always
and when I don't, I'm just another teen with an attitude
When your guitar teacher
the person who birthed the interest in music; creation
treats you like the old kid you used to be, and never figured out
thinking he knows what I am feeling, even though it's not me
he doesn't even know what music is to me
When your cousin
the one you grew up with
had done just about everything with
treats you like the natural man
always craving sex
personality is no requirement
just need to get action
To your friends
just another guy to call
to try and get a huge group together
and hopefully in the process get a girlfriend
which will just be fatuous
and never get anything from it

I can't share what I think
because they don't respect my thought
I am not being somebody else
but I simply cannot be myself
share it
with others
and it's a horrible feeling
like nothing happens
and the essence of time slows
the viscosity of life grows
I am at the point where I can't even be myself for myself
I lack the call of friendship
the willingness to create

wait
I think I figured it out

I lack the call of being needed for my true self
nobody needs me to be myself; they use me like somebody else
I have no person to lean on
not even this blog can do it
it can't provide feedback
or think creatively
or recognize who I am
for all it knows I could just be another soccer mom posting about low fat desserts
and other stuff

I do actually have somebody to lean on now that I think of it
but I don't have anybody to stand with; people lean on me, I lean on them
but needing somebody to be with during the good times
hopefully that is something that can be cured soon
I don't know where I can find it
I have looked almost everywhere
but hopefully
I can only really hope from this point
that somebody will change for themselves
or somebody will come in my life
and alter the course
forever

Well...

I don't want to leave a comment because I don't want people who follow yours to see mine
but
A. I do read your blog
B. Your blog has inspired me in different ways
C. (most importantly) If I were a normal kid I would be flattered about your post and say thank you with a smilie face next to it. But the reality is. I really wish you wouldn't think like that (I wish). Ha I'm a hypocrite. I understand there are certain things that you would like to have in your own life, but you can have those yourself. I guess all in all what I am saying is....*dramatic pause*

become yourself

seriously though
it's the best advice that's ever been given to me
I was telling my friend how I started thinking the same as him
and I viewed a lot of the things the same as him
and how I wish I could see things his way and he said
"Don't. Become yourself"
       - Gleason

Silhouettes

So for now on I am going to post the music that I produce on here
just because you people probably understand that
music is more than just sound to me

So yeah
here ya go
and hopefully many more to come
Just recorded this tonight

Silhouettes

and here is my home page on sound cloud
so you can check out my other "sounds"

My SoundCloud Profile Yo

Hope you learn something from it
....but make sure
you don't force it
seriously
just don't think with your conscious mind
and let your subconscious tell you what to think

Late Night Blogging Party

So lately I have been feeling super alone
I don't even know
I've had driver's ed all week
and I haven't really gone anywhere
I can entertain myself fine
and I'm not dependent on others
but I really do want to go have a real experience with real people

Could have gone to seven peaks with some peeps yesterday
But I was super tired
I didn't want to be in a crowded place with loud music
it just didn't sound nice
and I could have just went and chilled with other friends tonight
but we never end up doing anything
instead I just stayed home in my room
with my guitar and my laptop

I just want to go somewhere and do something with people
Hanging out with friends is fine
but it's like we never do anything
and there isn't anything wrong with doing nothing
but doing nothing with them isn't fun
it's like you can't even have a real conversation with them
unless you are with one of them by themselves
then maybe you could get somewhere
but why?
why would you get somewhere with somebody with a "heart to heart"
when they completely change who they are around others
it upsets me how they think they can just talk to me
and get to know the "real" me
then act like I'm some weird kid that makes no sense around others
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE

Just kidding everybody calm down
I'm not really angry
Right now I just can't sleep because of anxiety
I just want to do stuff right now
I want to sneak out
so yeah
then I could be a bad-A
but not really since I don't swear
at least not outloud

"Yeah brah. Somtimes I get so pissed that I swear in mah mind! Ya dude im such a reblel!

No that's not how it works
it just happens
But I don't even mind

But seriously, I've never snuck (sneaked?) out before
and it's sounding super convincing right now
even though I'm sitting here
by myself
writing on a blog
and nobody has talked to me all day
dangit
waht am I doing

Well maybe when it's a meteor shower or something
then I'll sneak out
or when I have friends worth sneaking out for

I don't even understand sometimes why people get so upset about leaving at night time
they automatically assume you wanted to go mack off with some chick at the park
when you just want to have a good time with friends
and just chill

dannng
this summer isn't really going as planned
at all
like it's been a pretty trashy summer so far
so I guess I may as well make a bucket list
of....

Things I want to do this summer that Probably won't Happen

- Go on bike rides to nature-like-secluded-by-trees areas and have picnics (I hate that word) and just chill while listening to indie music and then when night comes we are just going to be looking at the stars and talking and then I will be thinking that I am with my best friends, having the best time ever, and I will be lying on a blanket next to this girl who has a super chill personality and has the deepest eyes that would look over at me and then I would look into her eyes and just about lose it and then it would be all natural feeling and lean over and kiss and then meteors would shoot off and then I would stop kissing because I'm not a hoe and put my arm around her and hold her close and watch them for an hour then a tear would roll down my eye because if this actually happened my whole year would be complete and probably many more to come.

- Find a band that likes the same kind of music as me, and interacts with it the same way as well. Then gig during the summer because we would hang every day and write the best music and perform it and it would be great.

- Sing like the lead singer of Fleet Foxes

- Text people that gave me their numbers in my yearbook

Things I want to do this summer

- Go on bike rides with friends

- Go camping

- Have a backyard concert

- Get voice lessons

- Go to lowes with a few good friends

- Record lots of music and share it with people who care

- Have a sicknasty birthday party

- Figure out what I want to do for a birthday party

- Get my driver's license

- Get my eagle

- Hopefully take a loan from my dad and get a car

- Find somebody I want to hang out with constantly and vice versa

- Go to seven peaks

- Go to lowes again

- Get microphones and such for recording

- Stop getting sick so easily

- Drive around and listen to "Human Qualities" by Explosions in the Sky and when the whole thing builds up do some kind of really cool mosh sort of thing. Then look over at the passenger seat and see somebody doing the exact same thing. It sounds super stupid on text but it would be great.

- Go to a concert of some sort. Make fake ID's if necessary.

- Find other people I want to share this blog with

- Figure out how to drive places. I have no idea how to get anywhere.

- Sleepover on the trampoline like I was 12 years old boiiii

- Extreme pillow fights again please. Seriously. 1v1 tournaments. You take some pillows and you start beating each other with it, and it gets brutal. It hurts and wears you down swingin that thing all over the place. Tap out only.

- Have a sleepover and don't stay up late. Idk. Personally I just like to get up early instead of staying up late. But then again. It's almost 1:00Am. Hypocrite.

- SNEAK OUT. HOW COULD I HAVE ALMOST FORGOTTEN THAT.

- Draw something really elaborate and such. Or maybe just go get some dang lessons from Hailey.

- Beat the water temple for hailey if she still needs me to hah.

- Get enough cashmoney to build my own desktop (for recording and graphic design......and Borderlands 2)

- Rekindle my relationship with some peeps

- Watch fireworks with somebody special

- Go on some dates with some cool kids who like to do simple stuff instead of the usual "dinner dates" and "movie nights"

- Go on dates

- Go on a date (Babysteps)

- Discover new music and new artists

.....and that's about it.

If you read all of that

Congratulations

That's cool

I'm going to bed now

cause I gotta get up for church

maybe I should add another to the list

- Get some motivation to want to go to church

Alright I'm done.

Goodnight.

Wait

Just thinking about it

if that whole thing with the secluded forest area thing really happened

I don't even know

I was just thinking about it in my mind

and man

wow

hopefully I can have some sort of cool dream about it

but then again dreams are pretty jacked up sometimes

hopefully not this time

oh well

that sounds kind of depressing

Goodnight 4 realz