Stereo

Sometimes
I feel like I am depressed
days like today remind me of old thoughts I have had
dark thoughts about myself
thoughts which nothing productive sprout from
just obscurity leading to no end

I feel nothing
No inspiration to be found
Anywhere
I feel numb to the world
I have no opinion
I keep to myself
I don't understand what I am feeling
if it is even a feeling at all
but I despise it
I want to leave
but I have nowhere to go
I am a refugee
with no place
to stand
I am bound by chains
because of who I am not
who I am supposed to be
who others think I should be
I am trapped
Their opinion doesn't change me
at all
but I am still bound by their doings
calling me
without end

This feeling
is a weight that shifts
throwing everything I know off balance
in every last direction
and no ground
to take a stand
I can fight back
but it mocks me constantly
trotting in its victory
over me

What is this feeling?
I do not know
but I can tell you
how it came to be

When people you know
use you like somebody you aren't
To my dad, I am the chore doer that obeys orders always
and when I don't, I'm just another teen with an attitude
When your guitar teacher
the person who birthed the interest in music; creation
treats you like the old kid you used to be, and never figured out
thinking he knows what I am feeling, even though it's not me
he doesn't even know what music is to me
When your cousin
the one you grew up with
had done just about everything with
treats you like the natural man
always craving sex
personality is no requirement
just need to get action
To your friends
just another guy to call
to try and get a huge group together
and hopefully in the process get a girlfriend
which will just be fatuous
and never get anything from it

I can't share what I think
because they don't respect my thought
I am not being somebody else
but I simply cannot be myself
share it
with others
and it's a horrible feeling
like nothing happens
and the essence of time slows
the viscosity of life grows
I am at the point where I can't even be myself for myself
I lack the call of friendship
the willingness to create

wait
I think I figured it out

I lack the call of being needed for my true self
nobody needs me to be myself; they use me like somebody else
I have no person to lean on
not even this blog can do it
it can't provide feedback
or think creatively
or recognize who I am
for all it knows I could just be another soccer mom posting about low fat desserts
and other stuff

I do actually have somebody to lean on now that I think of it
but I don't have anybody to stand with; people lean on me, I lean on them
but needing somebody to be with during the good times
hopefully that is something that can be cured soon
I don't know where I can find it
I have looked almost everywhere
but hopefully
I can only really hope from this point
that somebody will change for themselves
or somebody will come in my life
and alter the course
forever