Hello (Helpless)

Today has been a rough day
and it's not the rough day that I'm sad about
it's what it lead me to understand

I'm not going to go into detail because it's about the most typical rough day you could picture
but right now I just want somebody to talk to
I was missing out on hanging out with my friends because they forgot to invite me
and I did that thing where you look through your contacts on your phone and see if there might be somebody there who cared for me
and then it hit me
nobody there even cares about me for who I am
I've realized now that I can't share anything with them really
and I have nobody to talk to
LITERALLY
the one person I used to be able to always rely on, was my older sister
but she is serving the people of Washington on a mission

I feel completely helpless
I thought I had somebody who cared about me
and somebody who could listen to me
that's all I've ever wanted
but it's just another slap in the face by reality

sure some of you who read this might say you care about me
and maybe you think you do
but you aren't a part of my life
you've gotta understand that this blog is just a distraction for me to get away from worldly things
that was the same with ask.fm and the such
My ask.fm started out as something that would be fun and interesting
but then turned into something that did the opposite
I would check it about once every day since it was on my bookmark bar
and every time I would open it I wouldn't see any new notifications
it made me feel like nobody cared about what I had to say
and not to mention the only questions I got were from a robot
the ones that updated every day
and so I deleted it

It wasn't until recent that I've realized this blogging thing has just had a negative affect on me
I check it every day
I hope to see something new
and normally this wouldn't be depressing
but
the truth is

this is the only form of communication that I have with any of you

because of that, and without my control, it makes it painful

So I'm going to go and delete the bookmark so I can try to stop checking on it
same with facebook
maybe
just maybe
I will be able to talk to
have a conversation with
share music with
rant and listen to
be there for
take a walk with
explore with
hope with
or just anything with
...You
without having to look through a friggen computer screen

because honestly
none of you are a part of my life
the things you say and the feelings you have are all beautiful
but they just remind me that I don't have that in my life
this blog reminds me of new beginnings
that never actually happened outside of the computer screen

your thoughts and feelings are accessed by a database on a server somewhere in Asia
but I just want to be able to access things from my memory
things that actually happen
tangible experiences

to wrap up
I hope that this is the last time I feel like I have to post something on here (or post on here at all)
to hope that somebody is listening
to hope that maybe they will become something outside of a pixel
and most of all I hope that I can meet some of you
because I don't know any of you
you are all names to me
I've never met any of you in person
and I hope that maybe someday I can
so that I can forget the provocative feeling of knowing who you are, but having ALL of that go to waste once I close the tab

Northbound

Well
I've had a major paradigm shift
and it was all thanks to writing this talk for church
I know how corny that sounds but it's incredible how I feel right now
Also we had an amazing lesson on gratitude today
I have laid out a fresh canvas to start again
Hopefully I can continue to focus on it

The past few days have been bad for me
I had just felt really down on myself
but it wasn't until I had un utterly nostalgic feeling
my little sisters were watching Home Alone
and the happy soundtrack came on
and I felt the way I did when I watched it as a kid
it felt amazing
then I realized I want to change my life
back to the innocence
to the innocence of watching the Polar Express
recently after finding out Santa Claus wan't real
and having to mix the reality of it with the absolute desire to believe

Innocent, not naive
my friends don't seem all that bad now
because it's easier for me to focus on what I have now
because I have a fresh mindset
and don't worry about what I don't have
"fix what you can" Elder Holland said in the last GC
and that was the talk I spoke on today
but yeah I'll just copy and paste it down here so you can read it if you want
and I'm not going to stand here and say I did this on my own because I didn't
God had helped me change my heart, and continues to do so.

Hi everyone my name is Ashton Young, and this week I was asked to give my thoughts on my favorite talk from this recent general conference. There were many things to pull out of each talk, but to me, Jeffrey R. Holland’s “Like a Broken Vessel” talk stood out most to me.

In the talk he opens up by directly stating “...I wish to speak to those who suffer from some form of mental illness or emotional disorder, whether those afflictions be slight or severe, of brief duration or persistent over a lifetime.” I personally don’t have any connection with extreme mental disorders whether it be in myself or others, but I found this to be particularly interesting because I’ve never heard the Church’s standpoint on these types of things.

He then says “In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again.”Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials.” There are some important keywords in that statement that I find to be interesting, such as  “fallen world”. It is another reminder that the world’s way of living is not the way God intends us to live. Sometimes we find ourselves making exceptions for “the small things” of the Gospel and convince ourselves that we are above the law. Eventually, you will find that you have succumbed to the standards of this fallen world and cannot see the Lord’s hand in your life. Luckily, through the atonement we can repent and change our hearts. Another important phrase in the statement promises that by putting our trust in the Savior, “He will lift us triumphantly over our tests in trials.” Having our family and friends help us through trials alone might help us get through the trials, whether we are standing strong or stumbling through to the end, but trusting in the Savior, we are promised to overcome the trials triumphantly.

He then starts to address depression, and some examples of how it can creep up on us. With power, he says, “I once terrifyingly saw it in myself.” For me, this was the most powerful and humbling part of his talk, and possibly throughout the entire conference. It is a very important to understand that General Authorities and Prophets of God are people who live with consciousness and temptation, just like you and I do. At times, we see people that seem to have everything going their way, and wonder why our lives can’t be as problem-free as theirs, but the truth is everybody has trials. It’s something that we understood when we decided to come to Earth, and is crucial for us to understand now. Knowing this will keep us humble and empathetic towards others, and overall we can take comfort knowing that we can endure.

Whatever it is that you are suffering through, or going to be suffering through, remember this, “Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. “That love never changes, it is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there. Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Believe in miracles.”

Before General Conference I had been going through some trials, and knew that I would be able to change my ways, but I didn’t think that I was able to change my heart. I testify to you today, that through The Atonement, God will help you see what you truly want, as long as you are willing to put some work into it. (Bear testimony about seeing God’s hand in life and god’s love)


As hypocritical as it sounds since I posted about depression about a week ago, that was just me having to admit that it's been going on for a while, and I wouldn't say it's over yet, but I had to admit it and understand it for myself to allow me to move forward in dealing with it.

EDIT: (9/15/14) Although I don't agree with this now, I still think it's important to leave it here. Serves as a bone in the past.

Calling me back

I never thought I would come to say it
or at least to other people
I am suffering from the chains of depression

At first I would sometimes think "I might be a depressed person, but I don't want to let myself think that"
but now I know it
and it's terrible
to say the least

No, this has nothing to do with anybody who reads this blog
I thought that I could carry myself through
and I found out soon enough that I could not stand
I wanted to have others help me along the way
but I found no help in others
I relied upon music to help lift my mood when I felt down
but it's effects eventually wore off
in my last efforts I threw out pleas to God
yet they remained unanswered
just the common repeats of "God loves you"
"God knows you"
"God will help you"
Yet it is as if there is no God
I have received nothing from my answers
but then again
I haven't read my scriptures for the longest time
but I can't bring myself to do it
because what if the ONE thing I've relied on my ENTIRE life can't help me there?
What am I supposed to do then?
I would have nothing

I realize that the past couple years of my life have been a recurring affect of
knowing that you got the right answer on the test, but then when you correct the test you find out that the things you thought you knew were WRONG, and that you can't tell the difference between the real knowledge you have and the knowledge you thought FOR SURE you "knew."

I don't know why I am depressed
I don't know when it started to emerge
I don't know why I'm even telling you this

I'm sure if I put this out somewhere more public people would be like "Dont comitt suicid dude. u r a rlly kool dood." and obviously they wouldn't word it like that, but that's how I interpret it. And no I'm not committing suicide, I'm depressed not unstable.

Trying to put depression into my words wouldn't do it justice, but I can give you an idea about what it's like.
- No motivation to do anything
          I can't focus on guitar or anything creative at all. I just do schoolwork. And I barely get by with that.
- Feeling isolated from the rest of the world
          I sat at home friday night in my room. and that's what I usually do everyday. I'll check my phone every once in a while just to see if anybody texted me. Then I would remember that the people I call friends only invite me to make the group more "partysized" or the people that are my friends at school don't care about anything about me outside of school. Heck I can leave my phone on silent for days and not even notice that it was on silent. I used to ask some friends if they could hang out and what not but I've learned over a long period of time that with most of my friends, the only reason I hang out to them is to be with people. I don't even enjoy the time I spend with them, it's just time with other people. So I would sit and play guitar and then realize I can't even write what I want to hear. If all else fails, then I just resort to the internet to distract me from my worldly troubles.
- Helpless and Hopeless
         It's like I get home and every muscle just stops working. Depression literally causes physical exhaustion and it's not like "oh I'm so tired from working out all day" but the kind of "sleepy tired" and it never leaves. That's why I've felt "so tired" over the longest time. I thought it was because I wasn't sleeping enough too. But there is literally nothing I can aspire to in the future right now. I have no goals. I'm at a standstill
- Being more shy than normal

And then there's the people who say "how can you be depressed you live in a nice house with lots of food in a "free" country and your dad has a job" and yeah I'm grateful for those things but how the hell am I supposed to be grateful for those things if I've never known life without them? Not to mention those are all things that affect you physically and that I could have the nicest things and the world and probably be more depressed.

I still don't believe what I'm hearing when I say it outloud, but I Ashton Phillip Young am suffering from depression, and I don't have the slightest clue as to what is going to lead me out of it.
How did it even happen?
I can still remember the days when I was in deacon's quorum and everything seemed to be going my way. How did it come to this? how?
Maybe I realized that I wasn't happy, but do you know how much I would give to even feel the fakest slight of happiness or love from another person? I've considered just getting a girlfriend just to have somebody who can give me the false impression that they care about my well being. Then shortly after thinking that I remember I don't even have many friends who want to be around me at all and the cycle repeats.

It is now 10:00pm on October 7, 2013 and I'm going to do a Spanish assignment and try to stay awake because all day today I've felt "tired" and I still continue to feel that. After that I'm going to go brush my teeth and try  to fall asleep at a decent hour. My alarm is going to go off at 6:15 and then I'll start the next day of the cycle that seems to be far from my control.