Hello (Helpless)

Today has been a rough day
and it's not the rough day that I'm sad about
it's what it lead me to understand

I'm not going to go into detail because it's about the most typical rough day you could picture
but right now I just want somebody to talk to
I was missing out on hanging out with my friends because they forgot to invite me
and I did that thing where you look through your contacts on your phone and see if there might be somebody there who cared for me
and then it hit me
nobody there even cares about me for who I am
I've realized now that I can't share anything with them really
and I have nobody to talk to
LITERALLY
the one person I used to be able to always rely on, was my older sister
but she is serving the people of Washington on a mission

I feel completely helpless
I thought I had somebody who cared about me
and somebody who could listen to me
that's all I've ever wanted
but it's just another slap in the face by reality

sure some of you who read this might say you care about me
and maybe you think you do
but you aren't a part of my life
you've gotta understand that this blog is just a distraction for me to get away from worldly things
that was the same with ask.fm and the such
My ask.fm started out as something that would be fun and interesting
but then turned into something that did the opposite
I would check it about once every day since it was on my bookmark bar
and every time I would open it I wouldn't see any new notifications
it made me feel like nobody cared about what I had to say
and not to mention the only questions I got were from a robot
the ones that updated every day
and so I deleted it

It wasn't until recent that I've realized this blogging thing has just had a negative affect on me
I check it every day
I hope to see something new
and normally this wouldn't be depressing
but
the truth is

this is the only form of communication that I have with any of you

because of that, and without my control, it makes it painful

So I'm going to go and delete the bookmark so I can try to stop checking on it
same with facebook
maybe
just maybe
I will be able to talk to
have a conversation with
share music with
rant and listen to
be there for
take a walk with
explore with
hope with
or just anything with
...You
without having to look through a friggen computer screen

because honestly
none of you are a part of my life
the things you say and the feelings you have are all beautiful
but they just remind me that I don't have that in my life
this blog reminds me of new beginnings
that never actually happened outside of the computer screen

your thoughts and feelings are accessed by a database on a server somewhere in Asia
but I just want to be able to access things from my memory
things that actually happen
tangible experiences

to wrap up
I hope that this is the last time I feel like I have to post something on here (or post on here at all)
to hope that somebody is listening
to hope that maybe they will become something outside of a pixel
and most of all I hope that I can meet some of you
because I don't know any of you
you are all names to me
I've never met any of you in person
and I hope that maybe someday I can
so that I can forget the provocative feeling of knowing who you are, but having ALL of that go to waste once I close the tab