I've come to the realization (over a long period of time)
that I need to continue to record and make music

I know I'm not happy with where it is at right now, but if I don't keep doing it how am I supposed to get better

I am going through a time in my life where it's hard to care about a lot of things for some reason
I hope the few of you that read this know that I'm sorry for being a burden sometimes
I don't wish to be like that, and I want to change, I just want to progress

Sorry if this is all vague. I don't really know exactly what I'm writing sometimes, but I jot down as I go.

This is less of a poetic blog then it is a gathering of thoughts.
I'm ok with that

Sleeping Angel

Svefn-G-Englar

You won't be intimidated by the length once you start listening

PS   Bailey this should cure your dislike of them

Some do

It wasn't until now that I came to the realization that
The reason I don't have friends isn't because I'm shy
It's because people don't like me
Including myself
I don't really understand how people do it
How they wake up in the morning excited
How people are ok with who they are
I've never understood the concept of friendship or being a friend
I don't know how to be a functioning member of a family
Everything I thought I knew about being a person is all a lie
I don't have anybody/anything to say I'm a part of
Everything I do, anything I'm a part of, is something where I try to convince myself I'm not sad
I used to think everybody had a problem with me, not to realize that I am the problem.
Recently I thought about seeing a therapist to tell me there was a scientific reason there was something wrong with me
I thought I had bi-polar disorder
But I don't have anything, I'm just fucked in the head
Why do I even pressure myself with the burden of trying

Alan

David Firth is a name that describes a person I've never met, but somebody I feel like I can relate to. It's unsettling in many ways. I don't understand how my taste in music or art is so similar to somebody I've never met. I was able to recognize all of the music after watching this. I do hope one day fate will bring us together, just like it has in the past.

Alan

Aphex Twin
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Sigur Ros

Bipolarity

The Hierarchy of Needs is a placebo.

Sorry for the negativity and lack of inspiration on my blog and my life. I'm sincerely trying my best to stop worrying about the past and look to the future.

.

Sometimes I'm alright with being a person. Thanks for all of you who have read my posts.

Rethink What You Live

No human can be absolutely certain of anything but his or her own existence.
 - A conclusion drawn by John Locke

Take a moment to let that sink in

I Bestow Upon Thee, Ambience

My Coordinates To You


Please do yourself and your sanity a favor and make a "Boards of Canada" Station on Pandora.
Oh yeah and also Shailene Woodley happens to be my new favorite person that I don't know. I mean hey, she's only 22. I've still got a chance.

One Sunday Morning

This song is breathtakingly beautiful
It's also a very heartbreaking song
And it may be the most relevant song I've ever listened to

Please do listen and read along, do not be imitated by the length because it will go by so quickly.

One Sunday Morning

Lyrics: (DONT READ AHEAD)

This is how I'll tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.

Against the weather dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.

Outside I look lived in
Like the bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh, I'll give it time.

This I learned without warning
Holding my brow
In time we thought I would kill him
Oh, but I didn't know how.

I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long lie
He cried I fear what waits for you.

I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone.
I feel relief I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.

Ring 'em cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.

Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.

Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe than I can give.

This is how I tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday morning
One son is gone.

Hodag

I really want to discuss this with somebody. I don't recall ever shaking out of fear while reading something, or shuddering and feeling my stomach drop so abruptly before. This is easily the most real and terrifying thing I've ever read. If you are up to it, it's a short story (journal) about discovery, mystery, and determination, but more importantly exploits the mind to extreme fears such as claustrophobia, fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of being left behind, and others.
I can't recommend this any better than to just say click on the link, do not skim, and once you start reading you'll be hooked by curiosity, mystery, terror, but most importantly realistic interest. This isn't a horror story made up and told by old men, it actually happened.

Ladies and Gentlemen  - Ted the Caver -

(I'd recommend reading this mobile, since the formatting is well, from 2001)

EDIT: Please comment about it if you have finished reading it!

Camp Rewind

Thursday June 26th, 2014
"Today, up in the mountains in Beaver, I traveled back in time a year almost exactly. Between the aspens and the evergreens and the white skies, I returned back in time of my trip to South Dakota. I resumed back in time of driving through the wisp forest listening to Explosions in the Sky's "Take Care, Take Care, Take Care." I resumed back to a time when Bailey Bezzant was a blog with words, and not a face with a voice. I resumed to a time when believing in God was a habit, and living without one was something I hadn't done. Woe unto me because of my powerless wish to resume to that time.
 I feel no different than when I was in South Dakota right now, but the fear of returning home will remind me of everything I did wrong in the past year, because after all, my house is not my home. I don't think I've discovered a home, but the closest thing to it is the white, wisp forest, nostalgia. When I come "home" I hope others will see how I've changed. I hope that I will keep the spirit of South Dakota alive, and right now Beaver is a tangible thing that serves as a wonderful proxy. But I know all too well how easily things like these turn into memories, and then into memories of memories. I lost recognition of myself, and never gained it back. The only place I could turn was into the past."

Anniversary

It's been a year since my first post on this blog.
It's fascinating to think about how things were back then and how far I've come.
It's impossible to remember all of the experiences, but they all amounted to something today.

An excerpt from my first post "Disoriented"

Eventually, a seed was planted without intention or awareness
It wasn't even directed toward me at all
Although the effect distorted my perspective
nothing had changed:
 I still had no sense of direction
 I was still dependent
 I still lacked true happiness
But without my knowing, the journey of self reliance and independence had just begun.

I never could have guessed how right I would be.
It's been an adventure.

Oxymoron

The most truthful quote I've ever heard

"Give somebody a mask and they'll show their true face"
- Oscar Wilde

Significance

An actual conversation:

Me: Hey Trever. I want an honest answer, something more than a yes or a no: Do you think living just to exist is a reason to live?

Trever: I would love to answer, but answer me this. Why are you asking? What's bringing this question?

Me: I was reading "Night" a book about a nazi camp. And there the author who was a boy at the time, was only able to make it out alive because he and his father wanted to escape. The one's who died had no motivation to keep enduring. I just reflected it and was just thinking about my life and why I'm still alive. Why do I keep living? What is it about being alive that makes being alive worth it, because right now I'm struggling to live meaningfully.

Trever: That's a difficult question because you have to play into your religious beliefs before anything, for me, not really having any, my life is what I make it, as stupid as that sounds, it's true, and I know when I let myself down and do perform or live as significantly as I could, but I also just know that's a flaw I have, and I do succeed in living significantly here and there and it makes it worth it. But...

There is no point if you have to believe in anything. Once you accept this body that's holding you is all we have, your goal is to push its limits. Feeling is the only real thing we as humans can use to guage our success, fulfillment, significance. Example, the feeling of being scared by something is worth living for, in my opinion, you probably have been on a camp out and encountered a dangerous situation... Wasn't it fun in some cynical way? I always found it to be.

My point is things that used to give significance can fade. I don't play music very much anymore, which I dislike about myself, but it's just fading from me, but my will to love the people I'm around grows stronger. And I waste a lot of time playing video games but the few times I choose to read a short story, rewarded with a feeling, the glimpses of feelings that are given to me through different experiences, as inconsistent as they come and go, they remind me why I exist. For this moment. That is fleeting in front of me, and then it's gone and I have to spend my efforts searching for it again. It's almost like the pay off isn't a pay off... It's more of a working yourself in situations and places getting to a point where you are rewarded, as tangible as the reward is (an emotional response) you realize what you did to get there is what was worth something.

Childhood Attic (contains memories of things that haven't happened yet)

Mind-numbingly beautiful

The yellow house of grizzly bear

Sorry I don't have much to say, but I do want to share music with you still. As always.

Paracosm

This song feels like being wrapped by a cold blanket
but the blanket warms up

Paracosm

You're safe
It's over now
And we're all alone
Inside
Our Sanctuary
Where we can get away
A place to run and hide

You're safe
The curtain's drawn
And we're all alone
Inside
In our special place
Where we can get away
Escape it all tonight

Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
We're far away from it all
Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
Tonight

Shadow

It follows me in every step

It eats lunch with me

It disturbs me while I sleep

It holds me back

It makes me lose my ego

It brings me to self hate

It fogs my mind's eye

It stares at me as I pray

It makes me shudder with pain

It wets my eyes and burns my lips

It never leaves me alone

It demands more

It has always been there

It will always be there

It has found its way into my brain

It controls my thoughts

It drains my motivation

It has become my ego

It has lost its strangeness

It doesn't exist without me

It is in me, but not of me

I've become my own Demon

End

I don't think I will be posting on this blog anymore
I'm done pretending to be somebody else
I'm not a writer
I enjoy reading your writing but I'm not one to write eloquent poems
Not to mention I did this for all the wrong reasons

It all started with Bailey
She had the guts to tell me about her blog
I honestly don't know why she did
but I'm sure thankful for the perspective it gave me
I read it all within a day and it was amazing to listen to the kind of person she had become
and I wanted to be a part of it
but I didn't want it for the poetry
I wanted somebody to listen to me
I wanted to be heard
I wanted to be important in somebody else's eyes

I tossed that dream though
because even though I didn't want to face reality
living in a dream became a nightmare
Welcome to my Reality
I am a painfully shy person
The only self esteem I have is my ability to play guitar, but even now I'm not satisfied with it
I don't have many friends, and I can't do much about it
The only ever time I leave my house, is for school and for work on Saturday, and I hate staying here.
I constantly wish I was living in the past.
I'm falling behind in school
I feel like I'm being forced to serve a mission, but it's not like I would have anything better to do.
I'm extremely self-consciouss, even though I try not to show it
I could ask a girl on a date, but there's nobody I would feel comfortable asking.
If it wasn't for my dad, I could have my license, a part time job, I could drive my sister's car (who's on a mission) and go places, but I have to be an eagle scout before I can get my license. and I hate scouting.

Here I am
introducing myself to a website
hoping somebody might read it
I hope Bailey reads it
but I don't think she reads this blog anymore
there's no reason to
it's very uninteresting.
I don't think I'm going to be reading any of your blogs anymore
I'm done pretending that I'm involved in your life
It hinders me

(Rely)gon

This is what I wrote today in Seminary, I've solved a lot of problems and answered a lot of questions when I came to realize this.

"I am faithful, but not religious. I don't believe all things testify of God. If anything, I am a transcendentalist. I don't find God through congregations and preachers. I find him through trees and mountains and skies, and through myself."

In other words, organized religion doesn't help my spirituality much at all, sometimes it even hurts it.

I haven't found much anything else better that can express how I feel as a person, as much as this song, and when I discovered the music video today, I entered a dream.

Breathe

"I don't care if there is a God that can atone for my sins, because the pain and grief I've caused others and myself I can never forgive nor forget. If I were to make it into heaven, using his atonement, I would want to leave because I know that I don't belong there"

- Me, but not me.

Defeater

I think I may have found the first screamo song that I actually like
and it's not because of the music
but the way the way that it's all put together

I didn't enjoy it when I first started listening to it AT ALL
but because somebody was explaining it to me
I opened up the lyrics page and read along as I listened
and wow
just wow
the whole song is just about emotion

The vocals are all screamed because the brother has lost everything, including peace of mind and self control.
The drums come in like the sound of the oncoming train
and it's all about revenge of one brother to the other because he tore apart the family and made him lose everything he had.

The second part of the song is when he describes all of the landmarks they see of things that remind him of how they grew up together
like "the white oak doors" and "the boardwalk" and "the old shipyard"
and wow
just the mixed emotions with the music and everything
is completely overwhelming and awesome.

I really don't know why I enjoyed listening to it.
It's basically like a movie with all the emotion put into the form of music.
Anyway, check it out if you want to
but you have to have an experimental mindset or else you will just want to mute it like I did at first.
and then the story intrigued me.

CAUTION: THIS SONG IS BONE-CHILLING
IN A SERIOUSLY CREEPY WAY

aiight well get ready for raw emotion

White Oak Doors - Defeater

Lyrics

I don't even like screamo
I really like this song though
Logic