Quest

Alright well for starters
I have a lot to say
but I haven't put it on this blog
I'll explain why in a second
Recently I've had a lot of great times and experiences to do some thinking
for example I just got off a 2 1/2 day backpacking trip up in the Uintahs
and it was great to get away from
everything
It's nice just to live off the land for a while
Nothing really too significant, just lots of fun with new experiences

I've actually been keeping track of things I want to blog about on my phone
just little topics that have interested me or something so I don't forget them
but I haven't said anything about them
and kind of like what I said in "surreal" I don't have motivation to blog
and lucky for me and you I have discovered why
when I first started this blog
without really even realizing it
I started this so that I could communicate
"communicate what?" you say
well just to communicate...with you
Everything I have said on my blog is completely real and me
but the thing is I had a different motif then
It was really the only stable form of communication we had
even though it was completely indirect
it was still interaction
I had discovered something beautiful
a something that I wanted to take part in
and so I did
another motif that I had
was that I wanted to let you know what had happened
what had happened since we last knew each other
I wanted to let you know why I behaved a certain way at certain times
and because of the way I had interacted with you at the time
I wanted to persuade you to think that I really was different

I really didn't do all of this very knowingly
it was just a subconscious reaction
and I'm finally figuring it out

I finally had found somebody worth sharing my crazy ideas and thoughts with
somebody who wouldn't just say "Oh that's nice"
they would add to it and expound on it
It felt like I was happy
Like I was relieved of some duty
and that's because I was happy
Finally

Well unfortunately it wasn't to last
our only way of learning about one another
Why was this our only way to interact?
because she is busy
and I am busy
caught up in this fascinating world
and so whenever we had a free moment or two
we could just put something up on this blog to share
I don't know whether it is accurate or not
but this is how it is on my side of the looking glass
she's already found her friends in the world
she has callings to fulfill whether they are necessary or not
and....really I just don't know

Basically in this huge jumble of emotional nonsense
She stopped posting on her blog
and we kind of just don't communicate
And so I've kind of lost my main motif to post here
Just a one way form of interaction and I'll never know if you have read it or not
I'm sure you're going to read this
and I want you to know that
1. I'm not asking you to start blogging again. I'm not asking you to do anything
2. I really don't know how to express how I'm feeling accurately

Really what I'm trying to get at is that
I found something beautiful in my life
and something that made me feel happy
something that happens to be a rarity to me
a true way for me to interact with somebody who understands and reacts in ways
that really do stun me at times
and for all of that to just be gone in a course of a few weeks
is hard for me
It feels very provocative

If you are Bones (I'll keep your identity a secret hah)
but you should know who you are
if you've read this
just contact me in some way
and tell me what you think
I don't care if it is negative
or just a suppressed urge or feeling
something real


- Ashton

EDIT:
Well it's been an hour or so since I posted this originally
and I finally was able to put it into clear words
"I want to be able to know you better and hear what you have to say, but I don't know how"