You

Your realization and application of yourself determines who you are
How are you supposed to know who you are when you apply yourself against yourself at certain times and in certain situations?
The more consistently you do this the more dramatic and impressing change of "you" will be
How do you know what's the real "you", or when you are just putting on a mask of personality around different people
It has been said that what you do and think about when you are by yourself determines who you are
But you are going to be thinking about others and without realizing it you are going to be thinking the same way you would be thinking if you were around them

So whether you want to admit it or not, other people have made who you who you are now, and have always been. Except you haven't "always been", you've just always been changing, because maybe the people you associate with are changing, personally, or there are just new people completely.

So Trevor if you ever get around to reading this, I came up with this while eating my dinner and was thinking about Gleason. I was wondering about the things you told me about how he was trying to see what could potentially become of Sarah, and how you think that the reason for that is because he had felt love, and so he pursued it and is trying to make the best of it and all of that. I was trying to understand it from both sides, Sarah's and his, and I don't know Sarah very well, but like we both agreed you can tell what she is all about. I was just thinking about why people behaved the ways they did and I just started writing down things on my phone and later revised it a little bit and put it on here.

Thank you people for taking the time to read this. I just thought about it, but it really does mean a lot to me. Especially coming from people who I know understand. Seriously though, thank you.

Quest

Alright well for starters
I have a lot to say
but I haven't put it on this blog
I'll explain why in a second
Recently I've had a lot of great times and experiences to do some thinking
for example I just got off a 2 1/2 day backpacking trip up in the Uintahs
and it was great to get away from
everything
It's nice just to live off the land for a while
Nothing really too significant, just lots of fun with new experiences

I've actually been keeping track of things I want to blog about on my phone
just little topics that have interested me or something so I don't forget them
but I haven't said anything about them
and kind of like what I said in "surreal" I don't have motivation to blog
and lucky for me and you I have discovered why
when I first started this blog
without really even realizing it
I started this so that I could communicate
"communicate what?" you say
well just to communicate...with you
Everything I have said on my blog is completely real and me
but the thing is I had a different motif then
It was really the only stable form of communication we had
even though it was completely indirect
it was still interaction
I had discovered something beautiful
a something that I wanted to take part in
and so I did
another motif that I had
was that I wanted to let you know what had happened
what had happened since we last knew each other
I wanted to let you know why I behaved a certain way at certain times
and because of the way I had interacted with you at the time
I wanted to persuade you to think that I really was different

I really didn't do all of this very knowingly
it was just a subconscious reaction
and I'm finally figuring it out

I finally had found somebody worth sharing my crazy ideas and thoughts with
somebody who wouldn't just say "Oh that's nice"
they would add to it and expound on it
It felt like I was happy
Like I was relieved of some duty
and that's because I was happy
Finally

Well unfortunately it wasn't to last
our only way of learning about one another
Why was this our only way to interact?
because she is busy
and I am busy
caught up in this fascinating world
and so whenever we had a free moment or two
we could just put something up on this blog to share
I don't know whether it is accurate or not
but this is how it is on my side of the looking glass
she's already found her friends in the world
she has callings to fulfill whether they are necessary or not
and....really I just don't know

Basically in this huge jumble of emotional nonsense
She stopped posting on her blog
and we kind of just don't communicate
And so I've kind of lost my main motif to post here
Just a one way form of interaction and I'll never know if you have read it or not
I'm sure you're going to read this
and I want you to know that
1. I'm not asking you to start blogging again. I'm not asking you to do anything
2. I really don't know how to express how I'm feeling accurately

Really what I'm trying to get at is that
I found something beautiful in my life
and something that made me feel happy
something that happens to be a rarity to me
a true way for me to interact with somebody who understands and reacts in ways
that really do stun me at times
and for all of that to just be gone in a course of a few weeks
is hard for me
It feels very provocative

If you are Bones (I'll keep your identity a secret hah)
but you should know who you are
if you've read this
just contact me in some way
and tell me what you think
I don't care if it is negative
or just a suppressed urge or feeling
something real


- Ashton

EDIT:
Well it's been an hour or so since I posted this originally
and I finally was able to put it into clear words
"I want to be able to know you better and hear what you have to say, but I don't know how"

Clarity

I really do hate it when people post lyrics
Actually I don't hate it
But I never read them
Sometimes it's nice just to read them though
without the music

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
(Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, hey)

Oh my... the stupid background color is back
and I forgot how to fix it
oh yeah those lyrics were a joke
btdubs
Here is something that kind of hit me today.
Even though it doesn't apply to me currently
It has applied before and it was kind of cool to hear it
anyways here it is
I mostly just like the last two parts
but the first one sounds cool for what it's worth

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

"Clarity" - Zedd (ft. Foxes)

Opinion Heads

Hey you should most definitely check out my friends' new album "House Arrest"

Here it is

If you don't want to hear a few swear words don't listen to the last bonus song "We Got Him" I think it's hilarious but if you don't want to hear it don't force it.

Surreal

I don't even understand what is going on in my life right now

I can't focus on anything

I can't even recall the last time I felt true satisfaction

I've had so much to say, but no motivation to put it on my blog

One reason is because I have nobody to do anything that I want to with

or nobody to call up without thinking "Do I really want to hang out with them or do this with them?"

I went and played some Call of Duty with my friends yesterday and it was fun and funny but mostly nostalgic of a couple years ago

But those kinds of things don't really add to your life

You don't really go ahead and do them again

There's nothing new there

So that's why I haven't really been posting

I'm still questioning everything about myself

and what is going on

And like Gleason always says

Existence

Q&A @ TJ <- Butchering the English Language One Step at a Time

EDIT: I figured out how to remove the background highlight. Go team.

1. If you were told you had six months left to live and someone handed you a million bucks, what would you do? First and foremost I would thank them and tell them to have a nice day. I would probably give it to my father and tell him to have a nice early retirement, after buying a new amp and new guitar. I really wouldn't use it much because I would focus my 6 months on taking down my bucket list. I would just want to talk to people about everything and probably about religion since I am going to find out whether or not there is an afterlife or not. 
2. What do you want to be when you grow up? If I could choose anything at all, I would want to be a musician for a career; whether it be in a band or flying solo, that is my dream job. If that doesn't work it, I want to do something with Computer Science or hopefully graphic design. That would be really cool. 
3. How old do you consider yourself to be? (body & soul) I was just trying to figure out how old my body was, and then it kind of hit me. My body is as old as the first human body. I came from my mom's egg cells who came from her mom's egg cells and it just continues all the way back. I guess that's how it is if you look at it scientifically. Otherwise I guess my body is just 15 years old. I don't know how else to look at it. My soul on the other hand (no pun intended), doesn't seem very old, but it seems like it didn't develop quite right. I started to have to face the reality of this living hell when my mom was taken from me at the age of five. Just a five year old kid who spent his days chasing cats, running away from vacuum cleaners, having water fights, hiding food under the table, etc. had to start facing reality. It kind of disturbs me to look back on that and remember how I felt. 
4. Who means most to you in the world? Honestly I can't say that I have anybody that means the most to me. The mormon textbook answer would be God, but I can't say that I have had any sort of relationship with him at all lately. I really have been trying to find truth myself even though people around me claim to have been born into it, but that is another story for another time. 
5. Do you believe in God? Yeah I believe there is a God, but I can't say that I have a strong belief in a lot of aspects of my religion.
6. What's your favorite color and why? I've always liked the color black. I mean it's the absence of light, not to mention that it has total power over all the other colors. It is made up of nothing, yet it has the power to take over any other color. That's pretty cool. 
7. Tell me a song that brings back a lot of memories. If there is one song that I can lean on to really fix just about anything it's "Quiet Place" by Working For A Nuclear Free City. 
8. Tell me a song that changed your life. I doubt ANY of you are going to ever get it. It's a pretty "popular" song but I really doubt it. Seriously go ahead and take a wild guess. I blacked it out so you don't see it ahead accidentally. Nope. First of the Year by Skrillex. Yeah I know I know. If you read my blog earlier I think it was the post "pathetic" but it kind of explains why, but I will tell you anyway. I kind of liked his music, it was a little scary but I made a Pandora station out of it, then one for Deadmau5, then one for House, then I made one for The Glitch Mob, and when listening to that radio "Asleep at the Wheel" by WFANC (acronym for the guys before) somehow found it's way on there and then I made a radio for them, and then I started to discover what feelings and emotions indie music could produce, even though I didn't understand it at the time. 
9. Tell me about something you love to do and why you love to do it. I love to listen to music. I know shooockkkerrr. But like I have said before, it really is what keeps me going. Just read "sound waves" if you want a rant. 
10. Tell me a joke. "A baby seal walks into a club" I'm sorry that one might be in poor taste, but it was the first one that came to my head. 
11. How do you want to be remembered as a person? Well I want to be remembered as somebody who tried to bring out the good in others, and tried to get his friends to understand their emotions, and tried to make great music that inspired others, and whether or not any of those are going to happen I don't know, but I want to be remembered for them. 
12. Why do you read my blog? Well because you messaged me on facebook about it, and somebody else who has a blog recommended it to me. 
13. Why are you here, on this earth? My theory of it is, we were who we are going to become on this earth, in the premortal life. We have already had personalities and everything that have been affected, but this Earth life is just a reminder of what built your character and why you choose to stand up to certain things, so when you get to the after life, you know why you are who you are. 
14. What type of art do you love? (dancing, singing, painting, just any art) Music obviously, but anything is art. I believe art is just a term for creating something or organizing things to make something else. I think art is when people express themselves by doing certain things such as dancing, or singing, but it really can be anything. 
15. What do you love about yourself? Ha funny you should ask. I am working on loving myself at all. I really can't find anything about me that's really attractive to myself. It may be attractive to others, but not to me. 
16. What do you love about other people? I like it when others can express themselves around people that may not appreciate it. It's just cool to see people be themselves when somebody might want them to be somebody else. 
17. Why do want to be loved? I think being wanted is just a natural feeling that everybody craves. Then again, I just want to know what it feels like to love somebody and know that they love you back. And when I say that I mean mature love not like fatuous "want to go out?" kind of love. I have loved before, at least I think I have, but I have never had anybody match my love which leads to an empty emotion that turns into depression. 
18. What makes you sad? A lot of things. I don't know I will have to make a whole post on this sometime, but most of the things that make me sad have to do with loneliness, depression, feeling helpless, not being appreciated for who I am. And when I say appreciated I don't mean everybody gets up and starts giving me a round of applause for sharing a poem, but instead understand that it means a lot to me and so forth. Not having to get the usual comments "Gay" or just laughing. It is a little bit funny to me though, and only me at the time, but I think that being gay isn't even an insult. I try to explain to them, even if I was gay that wouldn't make a difference. But to them apparently being gay automatically makes you a bad person because God said not to be gay. I'm not gay for the record. I'm just really good at getting off topic. 
19. What are some things that bring you Joy? Temporarily: music Somehthing that lasts and I can ALWAYS lean on to make me happy: still searching for it 
20. What would you do to make the world a better place? I am going to change the word "would" into "could" on that question, just because I don't like to plan on things that aren't going to happen. I could try and get people to understand their emotions, whether it be through music or poetry or a combination of the two. That is the one thing that I try to do with others, and it is almost an addiction to see the end result. 

Hope ya learned a thing or two about me. Whoever is reading this, we should talk in real life because that is one of my favorite things to do. There's another thing you probably didn't know. Alright I'm done. Have a nice day.

Stereo

Sometimes
I feel like I am depressed
days like today remind me of old thoughts I have had
dark thoughts about myself
thoughts which nothing productive sprout from
just obscurity leading to no end

I feel nothing
No inspiration to be found
Anywhere
I feel numb to the world
I have no opinion
I keep to myself
I don't understand what I am feeling
if it is even a feeling at all
but I despise it
I want to leave
but I have nowhere to go
I am a refugee
with no place
to stand
I am bound by chains
because of who I am not
who I am supposed to be
who others think I should be
I am trapped
Their opinion doesn't change me
at all
but I am still bound by their doings
calling me
without end

This feeling
is a weight that shifts
throwing everything I know off balance
in every last direction
and no ground
to take a stand
I can fight back
but it mocks me constantly
trotting in its victory
over me

What is this feeling?
I do not know
but I can tell you
how it came to be

When people you know
use you like somebody you aren't
To my dad, I am the chore doer that obeys orders always
and when I don't, I'm just another teen with an attitude
When your guitar teacher
the person who birthed the interest in music; creation
treats you like the old kid you used to be, and never figured out
thinking he knows what I am feeling, even though it's not me
he doesn't even know what music is to me
When your cousin
the one you grew up with
had done just about everything with
treats you like the natural man
always craving sex
personality is no requirement
just need to get action
To your friends
just another guy to call
to try and get a huge group together
and hopefully in the process get a girlfriend
which will just be fatuous
and never get anything from it

I can't share what I think
because they don't respect my thought
I am not being somebody else
but I simply cannot be myself
share it
with others
and it's a horrible feeling
like nothing happens
and the essence of time slows
the viscosity of life grows
I am at the point where I can't even be myself for myself
I lack the call of friendship
the willingness to create

wait
I think I figured it out

I lack the call of being needed for my true self
nobody needs me to be myself; they use me like somebody else
I have no person to lean on
not even this blog can do it
it can't provide feedback
or think creatively
or recognize who I am
for all it knows I could just be another soccer mom posting about low fat desserts
and other stuff

I do actually have somebody to lean on now that I think of it
but I don't have anybody to stand with; people lean on me, I lean on them
but needing somebody to be with during the good times
hopefully that is something that can be cured soon
I don't know where I can find it
I have looked almost everywhere
but hopefully
I can only really hope from this point
that somebody will change for themselves
or somebody will come in my life
and alter the course
forever