Saints

I'm pretty sure your childhood days come to an end when you find out Santa Claus isn't real.
As stupid as it sounds, I just think that it takes away all of the mystery and anxiety Christmas used to bring.
Finding out basically is basically a smack to the face of what you actually believe in, and replaces it with the sad story of reality.

Although not all the Christmas Spirit is lost. I find some here.

Day Two

Two Sides

Well I decided to "open" up my blog again

and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why

I wanted to share with you some art that I found from my favorite artist

It's by John Kenn Mortensen

and it's my favorite thing and has been since November.

Here is a link to his Blog/Gallery --> John Kenn

Tell me what you think.

What is it?

The post before resembles me pretty accurately when I'm at home
but when I go to school or go out anywhere, all those things disappear
I don't know why
Not always, but most of the time I'm a lot happier

I just thought I should let you guys know
that I don't always feel like
but I still do feel it quite often
and it is always when I am at home

Right now this blog is not that great
I am probably going to delete it soon because it's pretty pathetic
It's a lot of me in my weakest moments
and I like to have that
but at the same time, it's all you guys are getting.
And that's no good
Oh well
Have a good night.

So Long, Lonesome

I wonder what it would feel like to be in love
to kiss a girl
to go on a date
to drive by myself
to go on a walk in the winter night
to feel accomplished
to have friends outside of school
to be attractive
to feel confident about myself
to have a best friend that doesn't make fun of you
to have a best friend
to be asked to hang out
to be a likable person
to not feel lonely constantly
to not feel like my days as a teenager are useless
to go to sleep content
to want to wake up
to truly believe in God
to stop holding back
to feel like I have control
to have self-esteem
to stop wishing
to stop thinking about what everyone else is doing
to feel like I am important
to stop imagining a better life when I listen to music
to like who I am
to feel happy

Reignited

Here comes a short post
Just finished reading "The adventures of Huckleberry Finn"
OHEMGEE OHEMGEE
wow
I love that book
Thank you so much American Studies for "making" me read it
I am at a loss for words right now
But just thinking about Huck and Jim's days on the raft
and having to run away from his deadbeat father
and one of my favorite parts of the entire book
is when Huck is contemplating whether he should leave jim alone since he's a runaway slave or save him since he is Huck's friend and they have gone through so much, but he just wants to do what's right in God's eye, but then he says Oh well I'll just go to hell then to save Jim.
But really it's really cool because that IS the right decision and he doesn't even notice it.

After all this it reignited my wanting to read books again
so yeah
if you could comment your favorite book or something
that would be cool
right now I'm planning on reading "A fault in our stars" because both Bailey and Em mentioned they loved it.

Anyway have a good day.

Nyctophilia

Most if not all of the things I've posted on here are just me ranting/complaining almost
so maybe I'll change that
and yeah I am posting on here, and I don't know why I am

I'm struggling with an addiction
not one that I had acknowledged until recently
but it's one that is definitely something I need to stop
I spend too much time on the internet (yet here I am on blogger)
I would get "social experiences" from social media and the such
and it's been hazardous to my mental state
but basically, with any addiction, it's a very selfish thing
and what I've come to realize is that you're being selfish to yourself and your dreams
and I needed to stop, and so I'm stopping
I haven't recorded anything for maybe 3 weeks, not a single thing
it's terrible
but I'm glad I realized it now instead of later

Anywho here are some things I have going for me
- I've started to give up my time on the internet
- I hung out with zac, will and tyler and discovered some people I want to hang out with for time to come
- I get my braces off a week before christmas
- I'm less depressed
- I feel like I'll be able to read all the things I need to for american studies

Last friday before I hung out with will and them, I went for a walk in the park with some tunes (maserati to be exact) and I just set off walking, just to go and do something instead of staying in my room, I just walked and listened. I would stop and look at parts of the creek and look at how interesting it was, and I had my over-the-ear headphones on so I couldn't hear anything around me, but after about a minute one stop I turned around a saw a group of girls my age that were videotaping me on their phones and laughing, I walked up out and onto the path and towards them (because that was the way I was going) and I just wondered why. I awkwardly walked past them and continued on my aimless pursuit, still ready to accomplish something. I got to the sunset park and walked around the edge and noticed a sort of hidden area that was on a steep hill. I peeked into it and saw below a secluded area of the creek where there was an island like thing in the middle and such, I also noticed a large styrofoam cup right down there in the way. I just wanted to be selfless, because I knew that doing so would help with my addiction, plus I was just sad that such a pretty area could be littered so badly. I made my way down the steep hill to find even more garbage and started to collect it into a pile. I continually found more garbage, and the best part is, I even found an garbage bag that hadn't even been unfolded and was on top of the soil right there. How on earth could that be a coincidence. I was determined to clean this place up, even though I took several spills on the steep and wet terrain. After about 20 minutes at that spot, and with 3/4 of a garbage bag full of trash I started to make my way back home. Long story short, I saw more trash in the heritage park right by cedar ridge and spent the next hour or so picking up trash using trash to hold it, such as ziplock bags. Overall I was able to finish 2 maserati albums so about 1.5-2 hours just picking up trash on a friday afternoon. It was a beautiful day, with the overcast clouds making everything twilit. I left with my hands muddy and dirty from litter but I was happy. So happy. That day ended up being one of the greatest days, with will and them coming over and having an awesome time just talking and chilling with music and playing pool and the conversation never died and I could tell them anything. It was great.

Hello (Helpless)

Today has been a rough day
and it's not the rough day that I'm sad about
it's what it lead me to understand

I'm not going to go into detail because it's about the most typical rough day you could picture
but right now I just want somebody to talk to
I was missing out on hanging out with my friends because they forgot to invite me
and I did that thing where you look through your contacts on your phone and see if there might be somebody there who cared for me
and then it hit me
nobody there even cares about me for who I am
I've realized now that I can't share anything with them really
and I have nobody to talk to
LITERALLY
the one person I used to be able to always rely on, was my older sister
but she is serving the people of Washington on a mission

I feel completely helpless
I thought I had somebody who cared about me
and somebody who could listen to me
that's all I've ever wanted
but it's just another slap in the face by reality

sure some of you who read this might say you care about me
and maybe you think you do
but you aren't a part of my life
you've gotta understand that this blog is just a distraction for me to get away from worldly things
that was the same with ask.fm and the such
My ask.fm started out as something that would be fun and interesting
but then turned into something that did the opposite
I would check it about once every day since it was on my bookmark bar
and every time I would open it I wouldn't see any new notifications
it made me feel like nobody cared about what I had to say
and not to mention the only questions I got were from a robot
the ones that updated every day
and so I deleted it

It wasn't until recent that I've realized this blogging thing has just had a negative affect on me
I check it every day
I hope to see something new
and normally this wouldn't be depressing
but
the truth is

this is the only form of communication that I have with any of you

because of that, and without my control, it makes it painful

So I'm going to go and delete the bookmark so I can try to stop checking on it
same with facebook
maybe
just maybe
I will be able to talk to
have a conversation with
share music with
rant and listen to
be there for
take a walk with
explore with
hope with
or just anything with
...You
without having to look through a friggen computer screen

because honestly
none of you are a part of my life
the things you say and the feelings you have are all beautiful
but they just remind me that I don't have that in my life
this blog reminds me of new beginnings
that never actually happened outside of the computer screen

your thoughts and feelings are accessed by a database on a server somewhere in Asia
but I just want to be able to access things from my memory
things that actually happen
tangible experiences

to wrap up
I hope that this is the last time I feel like I have to post something on here (or post on here at all)
to hope that somebody is listening
to hope that maybe they will become something outside of a pixel
and most of all I hope that I can meet some of you
because I don't know any of you
you are all names to me
I've never met any of you in person
and I hope that maybe someday I can
so that I can forget the provocative feeling of knowing who you are, but having ALL of that go to waste once I close the tab