Tele

If you want to make an attempt to get to know me better, and to discover things about your own emotions
I recommend you take an hour out of your day, probably any time except for mid day
but go get some over the ear headphones, borrow them if you need to
go on a bike ride somewhere
go by yourself and make sure you feel isolated, from people (works very well when it's dark)
and let the music speak to you
"The Language of Cities" - Maserati

Hey Happy Birth Day

You should turn on a happy song with good music.
Elephant Gun - Beirut
I don't know if you ever listen to the music that I say to turn on at some posts
but if anything else you should put this one on.
Seriously though, the mood of this song is so good
there is something irresistible about Beirut

Hey guess what
So a lot of things kind of went wrong
I was about to name something off that went wrong, but it can still happen

Just reading that makes this post sound all deep and depressing
but it's not
it's about a birthday

So yeah I was going to do something classified because like I said it's like some sort of secret birthday present, but now it's going to be a late secret birthday present
but I am in Nevada right now
so it's not going to happen
yet c:
anyway I was going to wait til Midnight and say happy birthday through text and maybe have a cool conversation
but then I remembered that you changed your number when you got your new phone (I think)
So then I was going to write a blog post
So I was waiting then I realized back in Utah it's already midnight
and that basically brings us to now

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yeah you get the All Caps on your birthday.
I guess what I really want to say though is thank you.
Thank you for doing so much for me, whether you realize it or not
When I found out that we had a lot of stuff in common.
Which was basically after reading your blog
You gave me some encouragement to start putting my thoughts to paper ( or keyboard)
Really though, without you involved, all of these thoughts compiled together on this website
would have just remained with suppressed urges and stories in the back of my mind that would slowly fade away and I would eventually forget about
I just absolutely love the way you write, you can write beautifully. I don't have such a wide vocabulary, or a sense of which way to put the words together. Just like that last sentence. It was horrid. I just put words that come to my mind together, and try to see if I can get the point across somehow.
I really like your sense of humor. I sit there reading some of your posts and just start laughing and it's not uncontrollable ROFL (which nobody does anyway) but it's just something I find to be my favorite kind of humor. Like a little bit silly, but it makes sense still. I don't know how to explain it.
Lastly thank you for being there for me when I am having #thestruggle. Like whenever I am sitting there in my room thinking about some random stuff with life and how I am trying to find my place in this world, and trying to find the friends. The friends who won't criticize me for who I am, not even the friends that accept me for who I am, but I want to find people who will want to know more about me and not think "well he's good enough for me to hang around" and then I won't be all open book, they will have to figure it out or at least try to, but they would be the same way and we would be the best of friends. Things like that where I can just talk to you about and know that you understand and add to it.

So there's a little sample of a list of some stuff about you for your birthday. I hope it brightened your birthday. It's nice to be able to express myself anonymously in the sense that only a few people are going to see this, but not really since you all know who it is from.

Oh yes and don't forget, you should text me so I can has your number 8016365794

-Ashton

P.S. I've been sort of fanboy-ing over Beirut the past little while, but even though it's not the "Happy Birthday" type of song, I still think it's more than fitting
Nantes - Beirut

You

Your realization and application of yourself determines who you are
How are you supposed to know who you are when you apply yourself against yourself at certain times and in certain situations?
The more consistently you do this the more dramatic and impressing change of "you" will be
How do you know what's the real "you", or when you are just putting on a mask of personality around different people
It has been said that what you do and think about when you are by yourself determines who you are
But you are going to be thinking about others and without realizing it you are going to be thinking the same way you would be thinking if you were around them

So whether you want to admit it or not, other people have made who you who you are now, and have always been. Except you haven't "always been", you've just always been changing, because maybe the people you associate with are changing, personally, or there are just new people completely.

So Trevor if you ever get around to reading this, I came up with this while eating my dinner and was thinking about Gleason. I was wondering about the things you told me about how he was trying to see what could potentially become of Sarah, and how you think that the reason for that is because he had felt love, and so he pursued it and is trying to make the best of it and all of that. I was trying to understand it from both sides, Sarah's and his, and I don't know Sarah very well, but like we both agreed you can tell what she is all about. I was just thinking about why people behaved the ways they did and I just started writing down things on my phone and later revised it a little bit and put it on here.

Thank you people for taking the time to read this. I just thought about it, but it really does mean a lot to me. Especially coming from people who I know understand. Seriously though, thank you.

Quest

Alright well for starters
I have a lot to say
but I haven't put it on this blog
I'll explain why in a second
Recently I've had a lot of great times and experiences to do some thinking
for example I just got off a 2 1/2 day backpacking trip up in the Uintahs
and it was great to get away from
everything
It's nice just to live off the land for a while
Nothing really too significant, just lots of fun with new experiences

I've actually been keeping track of things I want to blog about on my phone
just little topics that have interested me or something so I don't forget them
but I haven't said anything about them
and kind of like what I said in "surreal" I don't have motivation to blog
and lucky for me and you I have discovered why
when I first started this blog
without really even realizing it
I started this so that I could communicate
"communicate what?" you say
well just to communicate...with you
Everything I have said on my blog is completely real and me
but the thing is I had a different motif then
It was really the only stable form of communication we had
even though it was completely indirect
it was still interaction
I had discovered something beautiful
a something that I wanted to take part in
and so I did
another motif that I had
was that I wanted to let you know what had happened
what had happened since we last knew each other
I wanted to let you know why I behaved a certain way at certain times
and because of the way I had interacted with you at the time
I wanted to persuade you to think that I really was different

I really didn't do all of this very knowingly
it was just a subconscious reaction
and I'm finally figuring it out

I finally had found somebody worth sharing my crazy ideas and thoughts with
somebody who wouldn't just say "Oh that's nice"
they would add to it and expound on it
It felt like I was happy
Like I was relieved of some duty
and that's because I was happy
Finally

Well unfortunately it wasn't to last
our only way of learning about one another
Why was this our only way to interact?
because she is busy
and I am busy
caught up in this fascinating world
and so whenever we had a free moment or two
we could just put something up on this blog to share
I don't know whether it is accurate or not
but this is how it is on my side of the looking glass
she's already found her friends in the world
she has callings to fulfill whether they are necessary or not
and....really I just don't know

Basically in this huge jumble of emotional nonsense
She stopped posting on her blog
and we kind of just don't communicate
And so I've kind of lost my main motif to post here
Just a one way form of interaction and I'll never know if you have read it or not
I'm sure you're going to read this
and I want you to know that
1. I'm not asking you to start blogging again. I'm not asking you to do anything
2. I really don't know how to express how I'm feeling accurately

Really what I'm trying to get at is that
I found something beautiful in my life
and something that made me feel happy
something that happens to be a rarity to me
a true way for me to interact with somebody who understands and reacts in ways
that really do stun me at times
and for all of that to just be gone in a course of a few weeks
is hard for me
It feels very provocative

If you are Bones (I'll keep your identity a secret hah)
but you should know who you are
if you've read this
just contact me in some way
and tell me what you think
I don't care if it is negative
or just a suppressed urge or feeling
something real


- Ashton

EDIT:
Well it's been an hour or so since I posted this originally
and I finally was able to put it into clear words
"I want to be able to know you better and hear what you have to say, but I don't know how"

Clarity

I really do hate it when people post lyrics
Actually I don't hate it
But I never read them
Sometimes it's nice just to read them though
without the music

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
(Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, hey)

Oh my... the stupid background color is back
and I forgot how to fix it
oh yeah those lyrics were a joke
btdubs
Here is something that kind of hit me today.
Even though it doesn't apply to me currently
It has applied before and it was kind of cool to hear it
anyways here it is
I mostly just like the last two parts
but the first one sounds cool for what it's worth

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

"Clarity" - Zedd (ft. Foxes)

Opinion Heads

Hey you should most definitely check out my friends' new album "House Arrest"

Here it is

If you don't want to hear a few swear words don't listen to the last bonus song "We Got Him" I think it's hilarious but if you don't want to hear it don't force it.

Surreal

I don't even understand what is going on in my life right now

I can't focus on anything

I can't even recall the last time I felt true satisfaction

I've had so much to say, but no motivation to put it on my blog

One reason is because I have nobody to do anything that I want to with

or nobody to call up without thinking "Do I really want to hang out with them or do this with them?"

I went and played some Call of Duty with my friends yesterday and it was fun and funny but mostly nostalgic of a couple years ago

But those kinds of things don't really add to your life

You don't really go ahead and do them again

There's nothing new there

So that's why I haven't really been posting

I'm still questioning everything about myself

and what is going on

And like Gleason always says

Existence