Opinion Heads

Hey you should most definitely check out my friends' new album "House Arrest"

Here it is

If you don't want to hear a few swear words don't listen to the last bonus song "We Got Him" I think it's hilarious but if you don't want to hear it don't force it.

Surreal

I don't even understand what is going on in my life right now

I can't focus on anything

I can't even recall the last time I felt true satisfaction

I've had so much to say, but no motivation to put it on my blog

One reason is because I have nobody to do anything that I want to with

or nobody to call up without thinking "Do I really want to hang out with them or do this with them?"

I went and played some Call of Duty with my friends yesterday and it was fun and funny but mostly nostalgic of a couple years ago

But those kinds of things don't really add to your life

You don't really go ahead and do them again

There's nothing new there

So that's why I haven't really been posting

I'm still questioning everything about myself

and what is going on

And like Gleason always says

Existence

Q&A @ TJ <- Butchering the English Language One Step at a Time

EDIT: I figured out how to remove the background highlight. Go team.

1. If you were told you had six months left to live and someone handed you a million bucks, what would you do? First and foremost I would thank them and tell them to have a nice day. I would probably give it to my father and tell him to have a nice early retirement, after buying a new amp and new guitar. I really wouldn't use it much because I would focus my 6 months on taking down my bucket list. I would just want to talk to people about everything and probably about religion since I am going to find out whether or not there is an afterlife or not. 
2. What do you want to be when you grow up? If I could choose anything at all, I would want to be a musician for a career; whether it be in a band or flying solo, that is my dream job. If that doesn't work it, I want to do something with Computer Science or hopefully graphic design. That would be really cool. 
3. How old do you consider yourself to be? (body & soul) I was just trying to figure out how old my body was, and then it kind of hit me. My body is as old as the first human body. I came from my mom's egg cells who came from her mom's egg cells and it just continues all the way back. I guess that's how it is if you look at it scientifically. Otherwise I guess my body is just 15 years old. I don't know how else to look at it. My soul on the other hand (no pun intended), doesn't seem very old, but it seems like it didn't develop quite right. I started to have to face the reality of this living hell when my mom was taken from me at the age of five. Just a five year old kid who spent his days chasing cats, running away from vacuum cleaners, having water fights, hiding food under the table, etc. had to start facing reality. It kind of disturbs me to look back on that and remember how I felt. 
4. Who means most to you in the world? Honestly I can't say that I have anybody that means the most to me. The mormon textbook answer would be God, but I can't say that I have had any sort of relationship with him at all lately. I really have been trying to find truth myself even though people around me claim to have been born into it, but that is another story for another time. 
5. Do you believe in God? Yeah I believe there is a God, but I can't say that I have a strong belief in a lot of aspects of my religion.
6. What's your favorite color and why? I've always liked the color black. I mean it's the absence of light, not to mention that it has total power over all the other colors. It is made up of nothing, yet it has the power to take over any other color. That's pretty cool. 
7. Tell me a song that brings back a lot of memories. If there is one song that I can lean on to really fix just about anything it's "Quiet Place" by Working For A Nuclear Free City. 
8. Tell me a song that changed your life. I doubt ANY of you are going to ever get it. It's a pretty "popular" song but I really doubt it. Seriously go ahead and take a wild guess. I blacked it out so you don't see it ahead accidentally. Nope. First of the Year by Skrillex. Yeah I know I know. If you read my blog earlier I think it was the post "pathetic" but it kind of explains why, but I will tell you anyway. I kind of liked his music, it was a little scary but I made a Pandora station out of it, then one for Deadmau5, then one for House, then I made one for The Glitch Mob, and when listening to that radio "Asleep at the Wheel" by WFANC (acronym for the guys before) somehow found it's way on there and then I made a radio for them, and then I started to discover what feelings and emotions indie music could produce, even though I didn't understand it at the time. 
9. Tell me about something you love to do and why you love to do it. I love to listen to music. I know shooockkkerrr. But like I have said before, it really is what keeps me going. Just read "sound waves" if you want a rant. 
10. Tell me a joke. "A baby seal walks into a club" I'm sorry that one might be in poor taste, but it was the first one that came to my head. 
11. How do you want to be remembered as a person? Well I want to be remembered as somebody who tried to bring out the good in others, and tried to get his friends to understand their emotions, and tried to make great music that inspired others, and whether or not any of those are going to happen I don't know, but I want to be remembered for them. 
12. Why do you read my blog? Well because you messaged me on facebook about it, and somebody else who has a blog recommended it to me. 
13. Why are you here, on this earth? My theory of it is, we were who we are going to become on this earth, in the premortal life. We have already had personalities and everything that have been affected, but this Earth life is just a reminder of what built your character and why you choose to stand up to certain things, so when you get to the after life, you know why you are who you are. 
14. What type of art do you love? (dancing, singing, painting, just any art) Music obviously, but anything is art. I believe art is just a term for creating something or organizing things to make something else. I think art is when people express themselves by doing certain things such as dancing, or singing, but it really can be anything. 
15. What do you love about yourself? Ha funny you should ask. I am working on loving myself at all. I really can't find anything about me that's really attractive to myself. It may be attractive to others, but not to me. 
16. What do you love about other people? I like it when others can express themselves around people that may not appreciate it. It's just cool to see people be themselves when somebody might want them to be somebody else. 
17. Why do want to be loved? I think being wanted is just a natural feeling that everybody craves. Then again, I just want to know what it feels like to love somebody and know that they love you back. And when I say that I mean mature love not like fatuous "want to go out?" kind of love. I have loved before, at least I think I have, but I have never had anybody match my love which leads to an empty emotion that turns into depression. 
18. What makes you sad? A lot of things. I don't know I will have to make a whole post on this sometime, but most of the things that make me sad have to do with loneliness, depression, feeling helpless, not being appreciated for who I am. And when I say appreciated I don't mean everybody gets up and starts giving me a round of applause for sharing a poem, but instead understand that it means a lot to me and so forth. Not having to get the usual comments "Gay" or just laughing. It is a little bit funny to me though, and only me at the time, but I think that being gay isn't even an insult. I try to explain to them, even if I was gay that wouldn't make a difference. But to them apparently being gay automatically makes you a bad person because God said not to be gay. I'm not gay for the record. I'm just really good at getting off topic. 
19. What are some things that bring you Joy? Temporarily: music Somehthing that lasts and I can ALWAYS lean on to make me happy: still searching for it 
20. What would you do to make the world a better place? I am going to change the word "would" into "could" on that question, just because I don't like to plan on things that aren't going to happen. I could try and get people to understand their emotions, whether it be through music or poetry or a combination of the two. That is the one thing that I try to do with others, and it is almost an addiction to see the end result. 

Hope ya learned a thing or two about me. Whoever is reading this, we should talk in real life because that is one of my favorite things to do. There's another thing you probably didn't know. Alright I'm done. Have a nice day.

Stereo

Sometimes
I feel like I am depressed
days like today remind me of old thoughts I have had
dark thoughts about myself
thoughts which nothing productive sprout from
just obscurity leading to no end

I feel nothing
No inspiration to be found
Anywhere
I feel numb to the world
I have no opinion
I keep to myself
I don't understand what I am feeling
if it is even a feeling at all
but I despise it
I want to leave
but I have nowhere to go
I am a refugee
with no place
to stand
I am bound by chains
because of who I am not
who I am supposed to be
who others think I should be
I am trapped
Their opinion doesn't change me
at all
but I am still bound by their doings
calling me
without end

This feeling
is a weight that shifts
throwing everything I know off balance
in every last direction
and no ground
to take a stand
I can fight back
but it mocks me constantly
trotting in its victory
over me

What is this feeling?
I do not know
but I can tell you
how it came to be

When people you know
use you like somebody you aren't
To my dad, I am the chore doer that obeys orders always
and when I don't, I'm just another teen with an attitude
When your guitar teacher
the person who birthed the interest in music; creation
treats you like the old kid you used to be, and never figured out
thinking he knows what I am feeling, even though it's not me
he doesn't even know what music is to me
When your cousin
the one you grew up with
had done just about everything with
treats you like the natural man
always craving sex
personality is no requirement
just need to get action
To your friends
just another guy to call
to try and get a huge group together
and hopefully in the process get a girlfriend
which will just be fatuous
and never get anything from it

I can't share what I think
because they don't respect my thought
I am not being somebody else
but I simply cannot be myself
share it
with others
and it's a horrible feeling
like nothing happens
and the essence of time slows
the viscosity of life grows
I am at the point where I can't even be myself for myself
I lack the call of friendship
the willingness to create

wait
I think I figured it out

I lack the call of being needed for my true self
nobody needs me to be myself; they use me like somebody else
I have no person to lean on
not even this blog can do it
it can't provide feedback
or think creatively
or recognize who I am
for all it knows I could just be another soccer mom posting about low fat desserts
and other stuff

I do actually have somebody to lean on now that I think of it
but I don't have anybody to stand with; people lean on me, I lean on them
but needing somebody to be with during the good times
hopefully that is something that can be cured soon
I don't know where I can find it
I have looked almost everywhere
but hopefully
I can only really hope from this point
that somebody will change for themselves
or somebody will come in my life
and alter the course
forever

Well...

I don't want to leave a comment because I don't want people who follow yours to see mine
but
A. I do read your blog
B. Your blog has inspired me in different ways
C. (most importantly) If I were a normal kid I would be flattered about your post and say thank you with a smilie face next to it. But the reality is. I really wish you wouldn't think like that (I wish). Ha I'm a hypocrite. I understand there are certain things that you would like to have in your own life, but you can have those yourself. I guess all in all what I am saying is....*dramatic pause*

become yourself

seriously though
it's the best advice that's ever been given to me
I was telling my friend how I started thinking the same as him
and I viewed a lot of the things the same as him
and how I wish I could see things his way and he said
"Don't. Become yourself"
       - Gleason

Silhouettes

So for now on I am going to post the music that I produce on here
just because you people probably understand that
music is more than just sound to me

So yeah
here ya go
and hopefully many more to come
Just recorded this tonight

Silhouettes

and here is my home page on sound cloud
so you can check out my other "sounds"

My SoundCloud Profile Yo

Hope you learn something from it
....but make sure
you don't force it
seriously
just don't think with your conscious mind
and let your subconscious tell you what to think

Late Night Blogging Party

So lately I have been feeling super alone
I don't even know
I've had driver's ed all week
and I haven't really gone anywhere
I can entertain myself fine
and I'm not dependent on others
but I really do want to go have a real experience with real people

Could have gone to seven peaks with some peeps yesterday
But I was super tired
I didn't want to be in a crowded place with loud music
it just didn't sound nice
and I could have just went and chilled with other friends tonight
but we never end up doing anything
instead I just stayed home in my room
with my guitar and my laptop

I just want to go somewhere and do something with people
Hanging out with friends is fine
but it's like we never do anything
and there isn't anything wrong with doing nothing
but doing nothing with them isn't fun
it's like you can't even have a real conversation with them
unless you are with one of them by themselves
then maybe you could get somewhere
but why?
why would you get somewhere with somebody with a "heart to heart"
when they completely change who they are around others
it upsets me how they think they can just talk to me
and get to know the "real" me
then act like I'm some weird kid that makes no sense around others
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE

Just kidding everybody calm down
I'm not really angry
Right now I just can't sleep because of anxiety
I just want to do stuff right now
I want to sneak out
so yeah
then I could be a bad-A
but not really since I don't swear
at least not outloud

"Yeah brah. Somtimes I get so pissed that I swear in mah mind! Ya dude im such a reblel!

No that's not how it works
it just happens
But I don't even mind

But seriously, I've never snuck (sneaked?) out before
and it's sounding super convincing right now
even though I'm sitting here
by myself
writing on a blog
and nobody has talked to me all day
dangit
waht am I doing

Well maybe when it's a meteor shower or something
then I'll sneak out
or when I have friends worth sneaking out for

I don't even understand sometimes why people get so upset about leaving at night time
they automatically assume you wanted to go mack off with some chick at the park
when you just want to have a good time with friends
and just chill

dannng
this summer isn't really going as planned
at all
like it's been a pretty trashy summer so far
so I guess I may as well make a bucket list
of....

Things I want to do this summer that Probably won't Happen

- Go on bike rides to nature-like-secluded-by-trees areas and have picnics (I hate that word) and just chill while listening to indie music and then when night comes we are just going to be looking at the stars and talking and then I will be thinking that I am with my best friends, having the best time ever, and I will be lying on a blanket next to this girl who has a super chill personality and has the deepest eyes that would look over at me and then I would look into her eyes and just about lose it and then it would be all natural feeling and lean over and kiss and then meteors would shoot off and then I would stop kissing because I'm not a hoe and put my arm around her and hold her close and watch them for an hour then a tear would roll down my eye because if this actually happened my whole year would be complete and probably many more to come.

- Find a band that likes the same kind of music as me, and interacts with it the same way as well. Then gig during the summer because we would hang every day and write the best music and perform it and it would be great.

- Sing like the lead singer of Fleet Foxes

- Text people that gave me their numbers in my yearbook

Things I want to do this summer

- Go on bike rides with friends

- Go camping

- Have a backyard concert

- Get voice lessons

- Go to lowes with a few good friends

- Record lots of music and share it with people who care

- Have a sicknasty birthday party

- Figure out what I want to do for a birthday party

- Get my driver's license

- Get my eagle

- Hopefully take a loan from my dad and get a car

- Find somebody I want to hang out with constantly and vice versa

- Go to seven peaks

- Go to lowes again

- Get microphones and such for recording

- Stop getting sick so easily

- Drive around and listen to "Human Qualities" by Explosions in the Sky and when the whole thing builds up do some kind of really cool mosh sort of thing. Then look over at the passenger seat and see somebody doing the exact same thing. It sounds super stupid on text but it would be great.

- Go to a concert of some sort. Make fake ID's if necessary.

- Find other people I want to share this blog with

- Figure out how to drive places. I have no idea how to get anywhere.

- Sleepover on the trampoline like I was 12 years old boiiii

- Extreme pillow fights again please. Seriously. 1v1 tournaments. You take some pillows and you start beating each other with it, and it gets brutal. It hurts and wears you down swingin that thing all over the place. Tap out only.

- Have a sleepover and don't stay up late. Idk. Personally I just like to get up early instead of staying up late. But then again. It's almost 1:00Am. Hypocrite.

- SNEAK OUT. HOW COULD I HAVE ALMOST FORGOTTEN THAT.

- Draw something really elaborate and such. Or maybe just go get some dang lessons from Hailey.

- Beat the water temple for hailey if she still needs me to hah.

- Get enough cashmoney to build my own desktop (for recording and graphic design......and Borderlands 2)

- Rekindle my relationship with some peeps

- Watch fireworks with somebody special

- Go on some dates with some cool kids who like to do simple stuff instead of the usual "dinner dates" and "movie nights"

- Go on dates

- Go on a date (Babysteps)

- Discover new music and new artists

.....and that's about it.

If you read all of that

Congratulations

That's cool

I'm going to bed now

cause I gotta get up for church

maybe I should add another to the list

- Get some motivation to want to go to church

Alright I'm done.

Goodnight.

Wait

Just thinking about it

if that whole thing with the secluded forest area thing really happened

I don't even know

I was just thinking about it in my mind

and man

wow

hopefully I can have some sort of cool dream about it

but then again dreams are pretty jacked up sometimes

hopefully not this time

oh well

that sounds kind of depressing

Goodnight 4 realz