Answered?

I never EVER thought that I would find something useful with heavy metal, and I don't even know what got me listening to it for the past 30 minutes, it was some kind of weird experiment with a long chain of youtube videos from things like Rage Against the Machine and I ended up in Slipknot.

Anyways I remember seeing a TV show commercial about an interview with the lead singer of the band, and his crazy genious lyrics, so I figured I would look up some explanation of the song since I can't really understand what he's saying since he's basically yelling it into the microphone.

Anyways the one song I decently know by them is "Before I Forget" because it was on Guitar Hero III so I listened to it and then looked it up.

Turns out the lyrics are very interesting and from somebody's explanation, something kind of hit me hard. Here it is:

People need to stop thinking that Corey's only writing very personal songs about himself, and concentrate on the way they've written the lyrics which (even though it reflects events in his own life), anyone can relate to:

This seems to be what people are confused about:

"I am a world before I am a man

I was a creature before I could stand

I will remember before I forget

Before I forget that!"

Most people have interpreted it as being about evolution xD... LOL SlipKnoT's songs are almost always very 'personal' or based on feelings alone. It CAN be interpreted that way, but it has too many loose ends. I should mention first that evolution is -very- similar, metaphorically, to a human being growing up. In my opinion, anyone who has just reached 'adulthood' from adolescence (your teenage years), can come to realize what that meant, and it's really something:

"I was a creature before I could stand" = Easily interpreted: When you were a baby, you were self-centered, self-indulgent, and didn't necessarily 'think', you just did what you felt like, no matter what it was. 'Creature' is a metaphor for this. I've mentioned this first because it's just plain obvious.

"I am a world before I am a man" = This one's my favorite from this song, and to be honest, it's one of my favorite quotes, ever. I know I sound far-fetched here, but seriously this one line perfectly describes through metaphor: you growing up into an adult, and what that really means. When you're an adolescent (teenager), you have a psychological trait called 'tunnel vision', which isn't actually a tunnel-limited vision, but a way you perceive the entire world around you. All adolescents have this, and it makes you feel as if 'life would last forever', and you don't understand that life is in fact 'short' until you lose this trait when you become an adult. In this case, "world" is a metaphor for how you see yourself as an adolescent: you feel as if you WILL be exactly what you want to be in life (this one varies, and at least a few do), and you're constantly 'image-conscious' and 'self-conscious', wanting to 'have a certain identity', and wanting to be recognized as "someone" rather than "no one". Most of all though, you have your very own, opinionated perception of the "world" around you. (I'm aware I'm describing a rebellious teen, but seriously, this is a Slipknot song). In other words, you're a 'world' as a teenager, but anyone who has actually 'grown up' definitely knows that to be a "Man" in the modern world, you eventually need to 'let go' of those thoughts and accept the system: now you're no longer a "world", you're PART of it :].

To be honest, this song's helped me understand what it takes to -actually- grow up, and everyone's gotta check this out, if you still doubt the meaning I've given:

It's got a VERY similar name, and pretty much -exactly- the same meaning xD...

So what hit me hard was the whole thing about tunnel vision. I don't know how he was able to explain me so well. This whole blog has been dedicated to the fact about how I feel about myself and my emotions, and worrying about my relations and me me me ME. That might be what is holding me back in life, trying to find happiness in what others do for me, but really maybe what I have been looking for is finding happiness in my relationships to others, and just other people in general. I was actually thinking recently before I read that explanation about how sometimes I feel really "deep" and wanting to share somethings, but at other times I've been thinking to myself how dumb the whole thing is.

So yeah. Thank you Slipknot. That's a big step for me. I think this is definitely something to hold onto and to apply in my life. MY life haha, how ironic. Except maybe it's not going to be anymore after the application. It's not something that's going to happen all at once obviously, but it's a paradigm shift.

There is a lot more I want to say that can wait another time, for it is almost 11:00 and I'm trying to get onto a regular sleep schedule because of school, which I'm excited for by the way.


EDIT: I had some extra tabs open and now that I remember, it started with me listening to the album "Sarah" by the Opinion Heads (or mostly just Trever I think), and then I got to the weird myth that if you play the Pink Floyd album and Wizard of oz at the same time, they go together really really well and that it may or may not be a coincidence and then it all got carried away from there. So yeah.

That there, that's not me

Yet again I find myself expressing emotions through sound and lyric, but holding back because of fear
fear of disappointment
fear of imagining the bottle would come back
come bring me happiness, or whatever it was I felt
Maybe go back and read "Float"
It was a prediction between me and you
one I hoped that wouldn't have to happen so soon
obviously it was going to happen but maybe not all at once
unfortunately I was right
but fortunately that story didn't end, it was just another chapter of a book full of chapters
and I'm hoping that I can turn the page and be ready for what's coming for me
because frankly I have no idea what it is.

Here is something I wrote today in my phone, whilst listening to "How to disappear completely (and never be found again)" by Radiohead. I encourage you to listen to it after reading it, and read the lyrics (in the description).

I don't know what our relationship means anymore, to me or you
I'm still trying to figure out what you are to me
because I can't tell you how many times I've punched myself mentally because of what I said
and the worst part is I don't know how you feel about it, except I know it's not positive
and I understand that
but I want to make sure that I can move on or not whether you want to open the next chapter or not
I will keep reading as long as there is still text on the page, because right now I am intrigued by this story and it is helping me in my life
It's something I can hold on to

If you are wondering why I am putting this on my blog, is because I want this to be here when I look through my blog, I don't want this to be forgotten into the lost abyss where deleted text messages go.

Tele

If you want to make an attempt to get to know me better, and to discover things about your own emotions
I recommend you take an hour out of your day, probably any time except for mid day
but go get some over the ear headphones, borrow them if you need to
go on a bike ride somewhere
go by yourself and make sure you feel isolated, from people (works very well when it's dark)
and let the music speak to you
"The Language of Cities" - Maserati

Hey Happy Birth Day

You should turn on a happy song with good music.
Elephant Gun - Beirut
I don't know if you ever listen to the music that I say to turn on at some posts
but if anything else you should put this one on.
Seriously though, the mood of this song is so good
there is something irresistible about Beirut

Hey guess what
So a lot of things kind of went wrong
I was about to name something off that went wrong, but it can still happen

Just reading that makes this post sound all deep and depressing
but it's not
it's about a birthday

So yeah I was going to do something classified because like I said it's like some sort of secret birthday present, but now it's going to be a late secret birthday present
but I am in Nevada right now
so it's not going to happen
yet c:
anyway I was going to wait til Midnight and say happy birthday through text and maybe have a cool conversation
but then I remembered that you changed your number when you got your new phone (I think)
So then I was going to write a blog post
So I was waiting then I realized back in Utah it's already midnight
and that basically brings us to now

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yeah you get the All Caps on your birthday.
I guess what I really want to say though is thank you.
Thank you for doing so much for me, whether you realize it or not
When I found out that we had a lot of stuff in common.
Which was basically after reading your blog
You gave me some encouragement to start putting my thoughts to paper ( or keyboard)
Really though, without you involved, all of these thoughts compiled together on this website
would have just remained with suppressed urges and stories in the back of my mind that would slowly fade away and I would eventually forget about
I just absolutely love the way you write, you can write beautifully. I don't have such a wide vocabulary, or a sense of which way to put the words together. Just like that last sentence. It was horrid. I just put words that come to my mind together, and try to see if I can get the point across somehow.
I really like your sense of humor. I sit there reading some of your posts and just start laughing and it's not uncontrollable ROFL (which nobody does anyway) but it's just something I find to be my favorite kind of humor. Like a little bit silly, but it makes sense still. I don't know how to explain it.
Lastly thank you for being there for me when I am having #thestruggle. Like whenever I am sitting there in my room thinking about some random stuff with life and how I am trying to find my place in this world, and trying to find the friends. The friends who won't criticize me for who I am, not even the friends that accept me for who I am, but I want to find people who will want to know more about me and not think "well he's good enough for me to hang around" and then I won't be all open book, they will have to figure it out or at least try to, but they would be the same way and we would be the best of friends. Things like that where I can just talk to you about and know that you understand and add to it.

So there's a little sample of a list of some stuff about you for your birthday. I hope it brightened your birthday. It's nice to be able to express myself anonymously in the sense that only a few people are going to see this, but not really since you all know who it is from.

Oh yes and don't forget, you should text me so I can has your number 8016365794

-Ashton

P.S. I've been sort of fanboy-ing over Beirut the past little while, but even though it's not the "Happy Birthday" type of song, I still think it's more than fitting
Nantes - Beirut

You

Your realization and application of yourself determines who you are
How are you supposed to know who you are when you apply yourself against yourself at certain times and in certain situations?
The more consistently you do this the more dramatic and impressing change of "you" will be
How do you know what's the real "you", or when you are just putting on a mask of personality around different people
It has been said that what you do and think about when you are by yourself determines who you are
But you are going to be thinking about others and without realizing it you are going to be thinking the same way you would be thinking if you were around them

So whether you want to admit it or not, other people have made who you who you are now, and have always been. Except you haven't "always been", you've just always been changing, because maybe the people you associate with are changing, personally, or there are just new people completely.

So Trevor if you ever get around to reading this, I came up with this while eating my dinner and was thinking about Gleason. I was wondering about the things you told me about how he was trying to see what could potentially become of Sarah, and how you think that the reason for that is because he had felt love, and so he pursued it and is trying to make the best of it and all of that. I was trying to understand it from both sides, Sarah's and his, and I don't know Sarah very well, but like we both agreed you can tell what she is all about. I was just thinking about why people behaved the ways they did and I just started writing down things on my phone and later revised it a little bit and put it on here.

Thank you people for taking the time to read this. I just thought about it, but it really does mean a lot to me. Especially coming from people who I know understand. Seriously though, thank you.

Quest

Alright well for starters
I have a lot to say
but I haven't put it on this blog
I'll explain why in a second
Recently I've had a lot of great times and experiences to do some thinking
for example I just got off a 2 1/2 day backpacking trip up in the Uintahs
and it was great to get away from
everything
It's nice just to live off the land for a while
Nothing really too significant, just lots of fun with new experiences

I've actually been keeping track of things I want to blog about on my phone
just little topics that have interested me or something so I don't forget them
but I haven't said anything about them
and kind of like what I said in "surreal" I don't have motivation to blog
and lucky for me and you I have discovered why
when I first started this blog
without really even realizing it
I started this so that I could communicate
"communicate what?" you say
well just to communicate...with you
Everything I have said on my blog is completely real and me
but the thing is I had a different motif then
It was really the only stable form of communication we had
even though it was completely indirect
it was still interaction
I had discovered something beautiful
a something that I wanted to take part in
and so I did
another motif that I had
was that I wanted to let you know what had happened
what had happened since we last knew each other
I wanted to let you know why I behaved a certain way at certain times
and because of the way I had interacted with you at the time
I wanted to persuade you to think that I really was different

I really didn't do all of this very knowingly
it was just a subconscious reaction
and I'm finally figuring it out

I finally had found somebody worth sharing my crazy ideas and thoughts with
somebody who wouldn't just say "Oh that's nice"
they would add to it and expound on it
It felt like I was happy
Like I was relieved of some duty
and that's because I was happy
Finally

Well unfortunately it wasn't to last
our only way of learning about one another
Why was this our only way to interact?
because she is busy
and I am busy
caught up in this fascinating world
and so whenever we had a free moment or two
we could just put something up on this blog to share
I don't know whether it is accurate or not
but this is how it is on my side of the looking glass
she's already found her friends in the world
she has callings to fulfill whether they are necessary or not
and....really I just don't know

Basically in this huge jumble of emotional nonsense
She stopped posting on her blog
and we kind of just don't communicate
And so I've kind of lost my main motif to post here
Just a one way form of interaction and I'll never know if you have read it or not
I'm sure you're going to read this
and I want you to know that
1. I'm not asking you to start blogging again. I'm not asking you to do anything
2. I really don't know how to express how I'm feeling accurately

Really what I'm trying to get at is that
I found something beautiful in my life
and something that made me feel happy
something that happens to be a rarity to me
a true way for me to interact with somebody who understands and reacts in ways
that really do stun me at times
and for all of that to just be gone in a course of a few weeks
is hard for me
It feels very provocative

If you are Bones (I'll keep your identity a secret hah)
but you should know who you are
if you've read this
just contact me in some way
and tell me what you think
I don't care if it is negative
or just a suppressed urge or feeling
something real


- Ashton

EDIT:
Well it's been an hour or so since I posted this originally
and I finally was able to put it into clear words
"I want to be able to know you better and hear what you have to say, but I don't know how"

Clarity

I really do hate it when people post lyrics
Actually I don't hate it
But I never read them
Sometimes it's nice just to read them though
without the music

(Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey-ay-ay. Hey-ay, hey)
(Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, ho-oh-oh. Ho-oh, hey)

Oh my... the stupid background color is back
and I forgot how to fix it
oh yeah those lyrics were a joke
btdubs
Here is something that kind of hit me today.
Even though it doesn't apply to me currently
It has applied before and it was kind of cool to hear it
anyways here it is
I mostly just like the last two parts
but the first one sounds cool for what it's worth

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

"Clarity" - Zedd (ft. Foxes)