End

I don't think I will be posting on this blog anymore
I'm done pretending to be somebody else
I'm not a writer
I enjoy reading your writing but I'm not one to write eloquent poems
Not to mention I did this for all the wrong reasons

It all started with Bailey
She had the guts to tell me about her blog
I honestly don't know why she did
but I'm sure thankful for the perspective it gave me
I read it all within a day and it was amazing to listen to the kind of person she had become
and I wanted to be a part of it
but I didn't want it for the poetry
I wanted somebody to listen to me
I wanted to be heard
I wanted to be important in somebody else's eyes

I tossed that dream though
because even though I didn't want to face reality
living in a dream became a nightmare
Welcome to my Reality
I am a painfully shy person
The only self esteem I have is my ability to play guitar, but even now I'm not satisfied with it
I don't have many friends, and I can't do much about it
The only ever time I leave my house, is for school and for work on Saturday, and I hate staying here.
I constantly wish I was living in the past.
I'm falling behind in school
I feel like I'm being forced to serve a mission, but it's not like I would have anything better to do.
I'm extremely self-consciouss, even though I try not to show it
I could ask a girl on a date, but there's nobody I would feel comfortable asking.
If it wasn't for my dad, I could have my license, a part time job, I could drive my sister's car (who's on a mission) and go places, but I have to be an eagle scout before I can get my license. and I hate scouting.

Here I am
introducing myself to a website
hoping somebody might read it
I hope Bailey reads it
but I don't think she reads this blog anymore
there's no reason to
it's very uninteresting.
I don't think I'm going to be reading any of your blogs anymore
I'm done pretending that I'm involved in your life
It hinders me

(Rely)gon

This is what I wrote today in Seminary, I've solved a lot of problems and answered a lot of questions when I came to realize this.

"I am faithful, but not religious. I don't believe all things testify of God. If anything, I am a transcendentalist. I don't find God through congregations and preachers. I find him through trees and mountains and skies, and through myself."

In other words, organized religion doesn't help my spirituality much at all, sometimes it even hurts it.

I haven't found much anything else better that can express how I feel as a person, as much as this song, and when I discovered the music video today, I entered a dream.

Breathe

"I don't care if there is a God that can atone for my sins, because the pain and grief I've caused others and myself I can never forgive nor forget. If I were to make it into heaven, using his atonement, I would want to leave because I know that I don't belong there"

- Me, but not me.

Defeater

I think I may have found the first screamo song that I actually like
and it's not because of the music
but the way the way that it's all put together

I didn't enjoy it when I first started listening to it AT ALL
but because somebody was explaining it to me
I opened up the lyrics page and read along as I listened
and wow
just wow
the whole song is just about emotion

The vocals are all screamed because the brother has lost everything, including peace of mind and self control.
The drums come in like the sound of the oncoming train
and it's all about revenge of one brother to the other because he tore apart the family and made him lose everything he had.

The second part of the song is when he describes all of the landmarks they see of things that remind him of how they grew up together
like "the white oak doors" and "the boardwalk" and "the old shipyard"
and wow
just the mixed emotions with the music and everything
is completely overwhelming and awesome.

I really don't know why I enjoyed listening to it.
It's basically like a movie with all the emotion put into the form of music.
Anyway, check it out if you want to
but you have to have an experimental mindset or else you will just want to mute it like I did at first.
and then the story intrigued me.

CAUTION: THIS SONG IS BONE-CHILLING
IN A SERIOUSLY CREEPY WAY

aiight well get ready for raw emotion

White Oak Doors - Defeater

Lyrics

I don't even like screamo
I really like this song though
Logic

Saints

I'm pretty sure your childhood days come to an end when you find out Santa Claus isn't real.
As stupid as it sounds, I just think that it takes away all of the mystery and anxiety Christmas used to bring.
Finding out basically is basically a smack to the face of what you actually believe in, and replaces it with the sad story of reality.

Although not all the Christmas Spirit is lost. I find some here.

Day Two

Two Sides

Well I decided to "open" up my blog again

and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why

I wanted to share with you some art that I found from my favorite artist

It's by John Kenn Mortensen

and it's my favorite thing and has been since November.

Here is a link to his Blog/Gallery --> John Kenn

Tell me what you think.

What is it?

The post before resembles me pretty accurately when I'm at home
but when I go to school or go out anywhere, all those things disappear
I don't know why
Not always, but most of the time I'm a lot happier

I just thought I should let you guys know
that I don't always feel like
but I still do feel it quite often
and it is always when I am at home

Right now this blog is not that great
I am probably going to delete it soon because it's pretty pathetic
It's a lot of me in my weakest moments
and I like to have that
but at the same time, it's all you guys are getting.
And that's no good
Oh well
Have a good night.