Alrighty then

So today I found out some interesting news:
1. I no longer have a job
2. My boss was doing a $4M Ponzi Scheme
3. HE OWES ME $104 FOR MY WORK AND I PROBABLY WONT GET IT D':

But yeah anyways if you would like to read about him here

That little Bastard who took my earnings and ran

He was also my families insurance agent
and so this took me by surprise.
Lots o unwanted surprise
yup

Phaith

Been thinking about a lot of what I believe in lately
Maybe take the time to make a distinguished line between faith and fear
I know that I constantly replace one with the other frequently
Compare
How much of a difference is there....

Fear of death                         Faith in everlasting life
Fear of hell                             Faith in heaven
Fear of shame                        Faith in doing "the right thing"
Fear of shun                           Faith that God loves everybody
Fear of being alone                 Faith that families are forever

Fear that you won't see loved ones again

That one applies to me
It's something I've feared my whole life
Maybe it's time I move on
Maybe it's time I confront my fear, and get rid of it

Sometimes the things I rely on
end up being a joke
something made up
and it all leads to disappointment and the thought that
"why did I even bother to hope for it..."

I truly am sorry for any offense taken by this
but these kinds of things
are important to me
and I'm going to put them in the one place I can share them freely
on1y

Mass graves for the pump and the price is set

I don't know what started my random obsession with Rage Against the Machine, I don't believe in all of their ideas such as socialism/communism, but man do they have some good songs, and some good meaning. I just try to dissect each song with the lyrics and figure out what they are talking about, luckily "Testify" is pretty straightforward. The combination of Zach's conviction, Tom Morello's guitar playing / DJing, and the overall feel of the song is something pretty irresistible to me. Sure I'm not some guy to start protesting, but I really do love what they are doing, and it sounds very hypocritical but in my head it's really not.

If you are interested at all, I have some links for you. If not don't worry about it, but one thing I thought was interesting was I had the thought a while back that really we don't know what's happening on the other side of the world, our news programs could just be a bunch of propaganda used to spark our hatred. Not to mention without it, none of us would ever begin to know or care about the specific events, since we have no way of knowing it. Normally I just open up the song on grooveshark/youtube and then the lyrics page and read along, but this one has a good music video for it as well, so I recommend opening the lyrics page up first and reading through them, and then watching the video and listening to the song.

And in case you are wondering, there is nothing explicit in the song

Lyrics

Music Video / Song

And if you want a little more insight on some of the harder to understand lyrics, try googling it or just
 Click Here

Answered?

I never EVER thought that I would find something useful with heavy metal, and I don't even know what got me listening to it for the past 30 minutes, it was some kind of weird experiment with a long chain of youtube videos from things like Rage Against the Machine and I ended up in Slipknot.

Anyways I remember seeing a TV show commercial about an interview with the lead singer of the band, and his crazy genious lyrics, so I figured I would look up some explanation of the song since I can't really understand what he's saying since he's basically yelling it into the microphone.

Anyways the one song I decently know by them is "Before I Forget" because it was on Guitar Hero III so I listened to it and then looked it up.

Turns out the lyrics are very interesting and from somebody's explanation, something kind of hit me hard. Here it is:

People need to stop thinking that Corey's only writing very personal songs about himself, and concentrate on the way they've written the lyrics which (even though it reflects events in his own life), anyone can relate to:

This seems to be what people are confused about:

"I am a world before I am a man

I was a creature before I could stand

I will remember before I forget

Before I forget that!"

Most people have interpreted it as being about evolution xD... LOL SlipKnoT's songs are almost always very 'personal' or based on feelings alone. It CAN be interpreted that way, but it has too many loose ends. I should mention first that evolution is -very- similar, metaphorically, to a human being growing up. In my opinion, anyone who has just reached 'adulthood' from adolescence (your teenage years), can come to realize what that meant, and it's really something:

"I was a creature before I could stand" = Easily interpreted: When you were a baby, you were self-centered, self-indulgent, and didn't necessarily 'think', you just did what you felt like, no matter what it was. 'Creature' is a metaphor for this. I've mentioned this first because it's just plain obvious.

"I am a world before I am a man" = This one's my favorite from this song, and to be honest, it's one of my favorite quotes, ever. I know I sound far-fetched here, but seriously this one line perfectly describes through metaphor: you growing up into an adult, and what that really means. When you're an adolescent (teenager), you have a psychological trait called 'tunnel vision', which isn't actually a tunnel-limited vision, but a way you perceive the entire world around you. All adolescents have this, and it makes you feel as if 'life would last forever', and you don't understand that life is in fact 'short' until you lose this trait when you become an adult. In this case, "world" is a metaphor for how you see yourself as an adolescent: you feel as if you WILL be exactly what you want to be in life (this one varies, and at least a few do), and you're constantly 'image-conscious' and 'self-conscious', wanting to 'have a certain identity', and wanting to be recognized as "someone" rather than "no one". Most of all though, you have your very own, opinionated perception of the "world" around you. (I'm aware I'm describing a rebellious teen, but seriously, this is a Slipknot song). In other words, you're a 'world' as a teenager, but anyone who has actually 'grown up' definitely knows that to be a "Man" in the modern world, you eventually need to 'let go' of those thoughts and accept the system: now you're no longer a "world", you're PART of it :].

To be honest, this song's helped me understand what it takes to -actually- grow up, and everyone's gotta check this out, if you still doubt the meaning I've given:

It's got a VERY similar name, and pretty much -exactly- the same meaning xD...

So what hit me hard was the whole thing about tunnel vision. I don't know how he was able to explain me so well. This whole blog has been dedicated to the fact about how I feel about myself and my emotions, and worrying about my relations and me me me ME. That might be what is holding me back in life, trying to find happiness in what others do for me, but really maybe what I have been looking for is finding happiness in my relationships to others, and just other people in general. I was actually thinking recently before I read that explanation about how sometimes I feel really "deep" and wanting to share somethings, but at other times I've been thinking to myself how dumb the whole thing is.

So yeah. Thank you Slipknot. That's a big step for me. I think this is definitely something to hold onto and to apply in my life. MY life haha, how ironic. Except maybe it's not going to be anymore after the application. It's not something that's going to happen all at once obviously, but it's a paradigm shift.

There is a lot more I want to say that can wait another time, for it is almost 11:00 and I'm trying to get onto a regular sleep schedule because of school, which I'm excited for by the way.


EDIT: I had some extra tabs open and now that I remember, it started with me listening to the album "Sarah" by the Opinion Heads (or mostly just Trever I think), and then I got to the weird myth that if you play the Pink Floyd album and Wizard of oz at the same time, they go together really really well and that it may or may not be a coincidence and then it all got carried away from there. So yeah.

That there, that's not me

Yet again I find myself expressing emotions through sound and lyric, but holding back because of fear
fear of disappointment
fear of imagining the bottle would come back
come bring me happiness, or whatever it was I felt
Maybe go back and read "Float"
It was a prediction between me and you
one I hoped that wouldn't have to happen so soon
obviously it was going to happen but maybe not all at once
unfortunately I was right
but fortunately that story didn't end, it was just another chapter of a book full of chapters
and I'm hoping that I can turn the page and be ready for what's coming for me
because frankly I have no idea what it is.

Here is something I wrote today in my phone, whilst listening to "How to disappear completely (and never be found again)" by Radiohead. I encourage you to listen to it after reading it, and read the lyrics (in the description).

I don't know what our relationship means anymore, to me or you
I'm still trying to figure out what you are to me
because I can't tell you how many times I've punched myself mentally because of what I said
and the worst part is I don't know how you feel about it, except I know it's not positive
and I understand that
but I want to make sure that I can move on or not whether you want to open the next chapter or not
I will keep reading as long as there is still text on the page, because right now I am intrigued by this story and it is helping me in my life
It's something I can hold on to

If you are wondering why I am putting this on my blog, is because I want this to be here when I look through my blog, I don't want this to be forgotten into the lost abyss where deleted text messages go.

Tele

If you want to make an attempt to get to know me better, and to discover things about your own emotions
I recommend you take an hour out of your day, probably any time except for mid day
but go get some over the ear headphones, borrow them if you need to
go on a bike ride somewhere
go by yourself and make sure you feel isolated, from people (works very well when it's dark)
and let the music speak to you
"The Language of Cities" - Maserati

Hey Happy Birth Day

You should turn on a happy song with good music.
Elephant Gun - Beirut
I don't know if you ever listen to the music that I say to turn on at some posts
but if anything else you should put this one on.
Seriously though, the mood of this song is so good
there is something irresistible about Beirut

Hey guess what
So a lot of things kind of went wrong
I was about to name something off that went wrong, but it can still happen

Just reading that makes this post sound all deep and depressing
but it's not
it's about a birthday

So yeah I was going to do something classified because like I said it's like some sort of secret birthday present, but now it's going to be a late secret birthday present
but I am in Nevada right now
so it's not going to happen
yet c:
anyway I was going to wait til Midnight and say happy birthday through text and maybe have a cool conversation
but then I remembered that you changed your number when you got your new phone (I think)
So then I was going to write a blog post
So I was waiting then I realized back in Utah it's already midnight
and that basically brings us to now

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yeah you get the All Caps on your birthday.
I guess what I really want to say though is thank you.
Thank you for doing so much for me, whether you realize it or not
When I found out that we had a lot of stuff in common.
Which was basically after reading your blog
You gave me some encouragement to start putting my thoughts to paper ( or keyboard)
Really though, without you involved, all of these thoughts compiled together on this website
would have just remained with suppressed urges and stories in the back of my mind that would slowly fade away and I would eventually forget about
I just absolutely love the way you write, you can write beautifully. I don't have such a wide vocabulary, or a sense of which way to put the words together. Just like that last sentence. It was horrid. I just put words that come to my mind together, and try to see if I can get the point across somehow.
I really like your sense of humor. I sit there reading some of your posts and just start laughing and it's not uncontrollable ROFL (which nobody does anyway) but it's just something I find to be my favorite kind of humor. Like a little bit silly, but it makes sense still. I don't know how to explain it.
Lastly thank you for being there for me when I am having #thestruggle. Like whenever I am sitting there in my room thinking about some random stuff with life and how I am trying to find my place in this world, and trying to find the friends. The friends who won't criticize me for who I am, not even the friends that accept me for who I am, but I want to find people who will want to know more about me and not think "well he's good enough for me to hang around" and then I won't be all open book, they will have to figure it out or at least try to, but they would be the same way and we would be the best of friends. Things like that where I can just talk to you about and know that you understand and add to it.

So there's a little sample of a list of some stuff about you for your birthday. I hope it brightened your birthday. It's nice to be able to express myself anonymously in the sense that only a few people are going to see this, but not really since you all know who it is from.

Oh yes and don't forget, you should text me so I can has your number 8016365794

-Ashton

P.S. I've been sort of fanboy-ing over Beirut the past little while, but even though it's not the "Happy Birthday" type of song, I still think it's more than fitting
Nantes - Beirut