My only Swerving

Today I found this poem that was the source of inspiration for one of my favorite bands. It's pretty incredible.

My Only Swerving



Here is the song for the poem.

My Only Swerving - El Ten Eleven

I take it for granted sometimes

First things first,
I think I'm back
I think I am content writing down my thoughts and fears and just talking

This one's gonna be pretty damn straightforward

Talking isn't something I do a whole lot
I am constantly thinking about what goes on around me
but I don't say much
sometimes I feel like I can't say much
or be completely honest
because sometimes people make themselves vulnerable to the truth

For almost two years now, this blog has given me a place to talk
even though there isn't any real time feedback like there would be in a conversation
I know that I will come back and read it at some point
and it makes me happy that others will read too

but I didn't get here on my own
I find it hard to get places on my own in life
I usually don't speak unless spoken to
I have a hard time meeting new people because of this

so I really wanted to say thank you
I feel like its been an experience that I have benefited from, and hopefully you too
Thanks for letting this happen

I remember being up in Island Park, Wyoming at a wild bear and fox exhibit
(not really wild anymore heh)
I was frustrated with my current camera and thought about who could help me with photography
Eventually you were the person that I thought of but instantly I shot down the idea
we hadn't talked for years and things had left off on an awkward note
but I couldn't let the thought go
I thought of all the fun times we had in elementary school, even though I barely knew you
I wanted to talk, but I was afraid you weren't interested in talking
I casually sent a text asking about photography, strictly photography
you gave a a very honest and informative answer and I was happy with the response
the conversation continued naturally, not like it ever had before
we just talked about life for a little bit

the conversation itself wasn't extremely significant, although enjoyable
but you opened up to me
It wasn't forced at all
I felt like maybe I could talk to somebody about life
I felt like there was somebody who was on the same level as me
not like some Godly figure who left my questions unanswered
but was always there to make me feel guilty for having doubts
this was somebody who was human and acted like a human being

I remember signing your yearbook a few months later
I had no idea what to write
I still have no idea what I wrote
It was probably HAGS or some shit
my bad
I remember reading what you wrote in mine telling me about your blog
and how I should text you for the address
It was thrilling
but I wasn't sure if I was ready to experience it

I remember reading through all of it in one sitting the first time I got the chance
and I felt like it was something I wanted to be a part of
I wanted to be able to share my thoughts with somebody
who would hear me
and I wouldn't have to fear rejection

I remember being at work and wondering what to do with the rest of my day
I finished up and checked my phone and there was a text saying
"so are we ever going to hang out?"

I remember sitting at the campfire with Will, Zac, and Adam
we were having a great conversation about who knows what
I remember preparing conversation topics in my head and running short
Just in case the conversation ever grew stale
I saw two pairs of legs and shoes from the under half of the evergreen trees
my heart skipped a bit
"oh shit oh shit oshthishotoih"

The conversation consisted of two things, which most of us had in common
Cedar Ridge and how we all played runescape at some point in time
not very interesting subjects at all
but we were getting used to each other
I was still getting used to how you sounded
wasn't at all like the way I imagined when I read it on your blog

We went inside and ended up playing smash bros
and after everybody left
it was me
but this time around I didn't feel lonely
I felt like I had people to talk to
and friends who cared about me
actual friends to do stuff with

I just wanted to say thanks
for being somebody who I feel like I can talk to anything about
and for discussing sensitive subjects with me
and for caring about what I have to say
and making me feel like I was heard
thanks for being the one to open up to me
Thanks for some of the little things like
texting me first even though you're the girl and I'm the guy and the fact that society and the people around us made it seem like that wasn't an ok thing to do, because fuck society I'm an anarchist

I really care about you and I care about our relationship,
and I feel like even though we don't hang out or talk as often as we used to
that I feel like you're one of my best friends

Thanks for answering my question about cameras and photography.
-Ashton

Dusty

This place is becoming old news now. I don't feel the same way that I used to about this. It's saddening to me, but I guess it might be time to move on and forget about this. I am no longer comfortable here, but I've never been comfortable with myself. I'm not sure what to expect.

How

Probably the most profound way to open up a song, let alone an entire album. The Neighbourhood aren't vague about what they are trying to communicate.

How

"How could you question God's existence?
When you question God himself?"

I've come to the realization (over a long period of time)
that I need to continue to record and make music

I know I'm not happy with where it is at right now, but if I don't keep doing it how am I supposed to get better

I am going through a time in my life where it's hard to care about a lot of things for some reason
I hope the few of you that read this know that I'm sorry for being a burden sometimes
I don't wish to be like that, and I want to change, I just want to progress

Sorry if this is all vague. I don't really know exactly what I'm writing sometimes, but I jot down as I go.

This is less of a poetic blog then it is a gathering of thoughts.
I'm ok with that

Sleeping Angel

Svefn-G-Englar

You won't be intimidated by the length once you start listening

PS   Bailey this should cure your dislike of them

Some do

It wasn't until now that I came to the realization that
The reason I don't have friends isn't because I'm shy
It's because people don't like me
Including myself
I don't really understand how people do it
How they wake up in the morning excited
How people are ok with who they are
I've never understood the concept of friendship or being a friend
I don't know how to be a functioning member of a family
Everything I thought I knew about being a person is all a lie
I don't have anybody/anything to say I'm a part of
Everything I do, anything I'm a part of, is something where I try to convince myself I'm not sad
I used to think everybody had a problem with me, not to realize that I am the problem.
Recently I thought about seeing a therapist to tell me there was a scientific reason there was something wrong with me
I thought I had bi-polar disorder
But I don't have anything, I'm just fucked in the head
Why do I even pressure myself with the burden of trying