One Sunday Morning

This song is breathtakingly beautiful
It's also a very heartbreaking song
And it may be the most relevant song I've ever listened to

Please do listen and read along, do not be imitated by the length because it will go by so quickly.

One Sunday Morning

Lyrics: (DONT READ AHEAD)

This is how I'll tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.

Against the weather dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.

Outside I look lived in
Like the bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh, I'll give it time.

This I learned without warning
Holding my brow
In time we thought I would kill him
Oh, but I didn't know how.

I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long lie
He cried I fear what waits for you.

I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone.
I feel relief I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.

Ring 'em cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.

Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.

Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe than I can give.

This is how I tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday morning
One son is gone.

Hodag

I really want to discuss this with somebody. I don't recall ever shaking out of fear while reading something, or shuddering and feeling my stomach drop so abruptly before. This is easily the most real and terrifying thing I've ever read. If you are up to it, it's a short story (journal) about discovery, mystery, and determination, but more importantly exploits the mind to extreme fears such as claustrophobia, fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of being left behind, and others.
I can't recommend this any better than to just say click on the link, do not skim, and once you start reading you'll be hooked by curiosity, mystery, terror, but most importantly realistic interest. This isn't a horror story made up and told by old men, it actually happened.

Ladies and Gentlemen  - Ted the Caver -

(I'd recommend reading this mobile, since the formatting is well, from 2001)

EDIT: Please comment about it if you have finished reading it!

Camp Rewind

Thursday June 26th, 2014
"Today, up in the mountains in Beaver, I traveled back in time a year almost exactly. Between the aspens and the evergreens and the white skies, I returned back in time of my trip to South Dakota. I resumed back in time of driving through the wisp forest listening to Explosions in the Sky's "Take Care, Take Care, Take Care." I resumed back to a time when Bailey Bezzant was a blog with words, and not a face with a voice. I resumed to a time when believing in God was a habit, and living without one was something I hadn't done. Woe unto me because of my powerless wish to resume to that time.
 I feel no different than when I was in South Dakota right now, but the fear of returning home will remind me of everything I did wrong in the past year, because after all, my house is not my home. I don't think I've discovered a home, but the closest thing to it is the white, wisp forest, nostalgia. When I come "home" I hope others will see how I've changed. I hope that I will keep the spirit of South Dakota alive, and right now Beaver is a tangible thing that serves as a wonderful proxy. But I know all too well how easily things like these turn into memories, and then into memories of memories. I lost recognition of myself, and never gained it back. The only place I could turn was into the past."

Anniversary

It's been a year since my first post on this blog.
It's fascinating to think about how things were back then and how far I've come.
It's impossible to remember all of the experiences, but they all amounted to something today.

An excerpt from my first post "Disoriented"

Eventually, a seed was planted without intention or awareness
It wasn't even directed toward me at all
Although the effect distorted my perspective
nothing had changed:
 I still had no sense of direction
 I was still dependent
 I still lacked true happiness
But without my knowing, the journey of self reliance and independence had just begun.

I never could have guessed how right I would be.
It's been an adventure.

Oxymoron

The most truthful quote I've ever heard

"Give somebody a mask and they'll show their true face"
- Oscar Wilde

Significance

An actual conversation:

Me: Hey Trever. I want an honest answer, something more than a yes or a no: Do you think living just to exist is a reason to live?

Trever: I would love to answer, but answer me this. Why are you asking? What's bringing this question?

Me: I was reading "Night" a book about a nazi camp. And there the author who was a boy at the time, was only able to make it out alive because he and his father wanted to escape. The one's who died had no motivation to keep enduring. I just reflected it and was just thinking about my life and why I'm still alive. Why do I keep living? What is it about being alive that makes being alive worth it, because right now I'm struggling to live meaningfully.

Trever: That's a difficult question because you have to play into your religious beliefs before anything, for me, not really having any, my life is what I make it, as stupid as that sounds, it's true, and I know when I let myself down and do perform or live as significantly as I could, but I also just know that's a flaw I have, and I do succeed in living significantly here and there and it makes it worth it. But...

There is no point if you have to believe in anything. Once you accept this body that's holding you is all we have, your goal is to push its limits. Feeling is the only real thing we as humans can use to guage our success, fulfillment, significance. Example, the feeling of being scared by something is worth living for, in my opinion, you probably have been on a camp out and encountered a dangerous situation... Wasn't it fun in some cynical way? I always found it to be.

My point is things that used to give significance can fade. I don't play music very much anymore, which I dislike about myself, but it's just fading from me, but my will to love the people I'm around grows stronger. And I waste a lot of time playing video games but the few times I choose to read a short story, rewarded with a feeling, the glimpses of feelings that are given to me through different experiences, as inconsistent as they come and go, they remind me why I exist. For this moment. That is fleeting in front of me, and then it's gone and I have to spend my efforts searching for it again. It's almost like the pay off isn't a pay off... It's more of a working yourself in situations and places getting to a point where you are rewarded, as tangible as the reward is (an emotional response) you realize what you did to get there is what was worth something.

Childhood Attic (contains memories of things that haven't happened yet)

Mind-numbingly beautiful

The yellow house of grizzly bear

Sorry I don't have much to say, but I do want to share music with you still. As always.