Thursday June 26th, 2014
"Today, up in the mountains in Beaver, I traveled back in time a year almost exactly. Between the aspens and the evergreens and the white skies, I returned back in time of my trip to South Dakota. I resumed back in time of driving through the wisp forest listening to Explosions in the Sky's "Take Care, Take Care, Take Care." I resumed back to a time when Bailey Bezzant was a blog with words, and not a face with a voice. I resumed to a time when believing in God was a habit, and living without one was something I hadn't done. Woe unto me because of my powerless wish to resume to that time.
I feel no different than when I was in South Dakota right now, but the fear of returning home will remind me of everything I did wrong in the past year, because after all, my house is not my home. I don't think I've discovered a home, but the closest thing to it is the white, wisp forest, nostalgia. When I come "home" I hope others will see how I've changed. I hope that I will keep the spirit of South Dakota alive, and right now Beaver is a tangible thing that serves as a wonderful proxy. But I know all too well how easily things like these turn into memories, and then into memories of memories. I lost recognition of myself, and never gained it back. The only place I could turn was into the past."
Monday, June 30, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Anniversary
It's been a year since my first post on this blog.
It's fascinating to think about how things were back then and how far I've come.
It's impossible to remember all of the experiences, but they all amounted to something today.
An excerpt from my first post "Disoriented"
Eventually, a seed was planted without intention or awareness
It wasn't even directed toward me at all
Although the effect distorted my perspective
nothing had changed:
I still had no sense of direction
I was still dependent
I still lacked true happiness
But without my knowing, the journey of self reliance and independence had just begun.
I never could have guessed how right I would be.
It's been an adventure.
It's fascinating to think about how things were back then and how far I've come.
It's impossible to remember all of the experiences, but they all amounted to something today.
An excerpt from my first post "Disoriented"
Eventually, a seed was planted without intention or awareness
It wasn't even directed toward me at all
Although the effect distorted my perspective
nothing had changed:
I still had no sense of direction
I was still dependent
I still lacked true happiness
But without my knowing, the journey of self reliance and independence had just begun.
I never could have guessed how right I would be.
It's been an adventure.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Oxymoron
The most truthful quote I've ever heard
"Give somebody a mask and they'll show their true face"
- Oscar Wilde
"Give somebody a mask and they'll show their true face"
- Oscar Wilde
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Significance
An actual conversation:
Me: Hey Trever. I want an honest answer, something more than a yes or a no: Do you think living just to exist is a reason to live?
Trever: I would love to answer, but answer me this. Why are you asking? What's bringing this question?
Me: I was reading "Night" a book about a nazi camp. And there the author who was a boy at the time, was only able to make it out alive because he and his father wanted to escape. The one's who died had no motivation to keep enduring. I just reflected it and was just thinking about my life and why I'm still alive. Why do I keep living? What is it about being alive that makes being alive worth it, because right now I'm struggling to live meaningfully.
Trever: That's a difficult question because you have to play into your religious beliefs before anything, for me, not really having any, my life is what I make it, as stupid as that sounds, it's true, and I know when I let myself down and do perform or live as significantly as I could, but I also just know that's a flaw I have, and I do succeed in living significantly here and there and it makes it worth it. But...
There is no point if you have to believe in anything. Once you accept this body that's holding you is all we have, your goal is to push its limits. Feeling is the only real thing we as humans can use to guage our success, fulfillment, significance. Example, the feeling of being scared by something is worth living for, in my opinion, you probably have been on a camp out and encountered a dangerous situation... Wasn't it fun in some cynical way? I always found it to be.
My point is things that used to give significance can fade. I don't play music very much anymore, which I dislike about myself, but it's just fading from me, but my will to love the people I'm around grows stronger. And I waste a lot of time playing video games but the few times I choose to read a short story, rewarded with a feeling, the glimpses of feelings that are given to me through different experiences, as inconsistent as they come and go, they remind me why I exist. For this moment. That is fleeting in front of me, and then it's gone and I have to spend my efforts searching for it again. It's almost like the pay off isn't a pay off... It's more of a working yourself in situations and places getting to a point where you are rewarded, as tangible as the reward is (an emotional response) you realize what you did to get there is what was worth something.
Me: Hey Trever. I want an honest answer, something more than a yes or a no: Do you think living just to exist is a reason to live?
Trever: I would love to answer, but answer me this. Why are you asking? What's bringing this question?
Me: I was reading "Night" a book about a nazi camp. And there the author who was a boy at the time, was only able to make it out alive because he and his father wanted to escape. The one's who died had no motivation to keep enduring. I just reflected it and was just thinking about my life and why I'm still alive. Why do I keep living? What is it about being alive that makes being alive worth it, because right now I'm struggling to live meaningfully.
Trever: That's a difficult question because you have to play into your religious beliefs before anything, for me, not really having any, my life is what I make it, as stupid as that sounds, it's true, and I know when I let myself down and do perform or live as significantly as I could, but I also just know that's a flaw I have, and I do succeed in living significantly here and there and it makes it worth it. But...
There is no point if you have to believe in anything. Once you accept this body that's holding you is all we have, your goal is to push its limits. Feeling is the only real thing we as humans can use to guage our success, fulfillment, significance. Example, the feeling of being scared by something is worth living for, in my opinion, you probably have been on a camp out and encountered a dangerous situation... Wasn't it fun in some cynical way? I always found it to be.
My point is things that used to give significance can fade. I don't play music very much anymore, which I dislike about myself, but it's just fading from me, but my will to love the people I'm around grows stronger. And I waste a lot of time playing video games but the few times I choose to read a short story, rewarded with a feeling, the glimpses of feelings that are given to me through different experiences, as inconsistent as they come and go, they remind me why I exist. For this moment. That is fleeting in front of me, and then it's gone and I have to spend my efforts searching for it again. It's almost like the pay off isn't a pay off... It's more of a working yourself in situations and places getting to a point where you are rewarded, as tangible as the reward is (an emotional response) you realize what you did to get there is what was worth something.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Childhood Attic (contains memories of things that haven't happened yet)
Mind-numbingly beautiful
The yellow house of grizzly bear
Sorry I don't have much to say, but I do want to share music with you still. As always.
The yellow house of grizzly bear
Sorry I don't have much to say, but I do want to share music with you still. As always.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Paracosm
This song feels like being wrapped by a cold blanket
but the blanket warms up
Paracosm
You're safe
It's over now
And we're all alone
Inside
Our Sanctuary
Where we can get away
A place to run and hide
You're safe
The curtain's drawn
And we're all alone
Inside
In our special place
Where we can get away
Escape it all tonight
Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
We're far away from it all
Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
Tonight
but the blanket warms up
Paracosm
You're safe
It's over now
And we're all alone
Inside
Our Sanctuary
Where we can get away
A place to run and hide
You're safe
The curtain's drawn
And we're all alone
Inside
In our special place
Where we can get away
Escape it all tonight
Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
We're far away from it all
Inside
We're all alone tonight
You and I
Tonight
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Shadow
It follows me in every step
It eats lunch with me
It disturbs me while I sleep
It holds me back
It makes me lose my ego
It brings me to self hate
It fogs my mind's eye
It stares at me as I pray
It makes me shudder with pain
It wets my eyes and burns my lips
It never leaves me alone
It demands more
It has always been there
It will always be there
It has found its way into my brain
It controls my thoughts
It drains my motivation
It has become my ego
It has lost its strangeness
It doesn't exist without me
It is in me, but not of me
I've become my own Demon
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