1816

It's hard for me to be optimistic at the new year
there's just been so much in my life that it makes me ache
I feel like I have no control over my own life
and that I'm running out of time

i wish that something would change for the new year
but if that were true it would have happened years ago
I don't have that many left

Less isn't always more (Why I left the mormon church)

2013 - (46) posts
2014 - (21) posts
2015 - (5) posts

There is a pretty common and obvious pattern going on here. 2013 was only June-December too. I guess as time has gone on, this blog has become less relevant in my life.

I really wish I knew what to say, I want to update this for myself. I enjoy reading back through old posts every now and then.

I'm not sure what to write about anymore. I feel like I've been heard to some degree. Mostly heard by myself but its worth something.

Living here is hard for me in certain aspects
I think I would be fine living here if I were new here
but I'm not
been in Cedar Hills, Utah my whole life

I've known a lot of people I go to school with for my entire childhood, and some I met a few days ago
nothing special there, really
but the people that have known me longer
it feels like they have an expectation of me
which I have expectations of them too
but to the people I met before July 2014
I'm expected to leave on my mission after High School
I am a Priesthood leader
a person with just about 100% mutual and church attendance
a person with an even better school attendance
but the embodiment of that is before going through the process of leaving the LDS church

My name is Ashton Phillip Young and I am en ex-mormon

One thing I want to be clear about before I say anything else
being a mormon and not being a mormon hasn't changed me
I just do the occasional sin by drinking coffee or working on the Sabbath
it was the process of coming to terms that what I'd grown up believing wasn't true to me anymore that had the greatest and most devastating impact on me
and today I feel ok talking about it

I grew up in a very strong LDS family
we tried to read our scriptures at least a few times a week
and covered a lot of doctrine outside of the BoM as well
we went to church every week, even on vacation
we paid our tithing and said our prayers
but I would be lying if I said our family is strong outside of the church

it was a normal day
my family gathered for prayer and my dad asked my brother (4 years old)
to say the prayer
my brother said he didn't want to
I thought all was said and done
but my father wasn't pleased with that answer
and so the only logical step was to threaten him with a spanking
after the number 3 had been counted to I closed my eyes
I listened as my dad shuffled over to my brother
a few "dad please wait" "dad please don't" "dad please" were panicked out of my brother's mouth
and it was at that exact moment that I had a great realization
it struck a chord with me
I couldn't stand to watch it
I couldn't watch because I had been where he was
and it was at that moment
that I realized that this seemingly mundane situation
actually carried a lot of meaning in my life

I realized that growing up, that was my experience with everything to some degree
the reason I had good grades
the reason I went to church
the reason I was nice to my siblings
was because
I was afraid of the consequences
I that was the moment where I realized
I did good things for all the wrong reasons
and so from that day forward I started to question why I did something/if I really wanted to do that thing

One of the big one's was church
I'd been a Deacon's quorum president
Teacher's 1st counselor
and a prominent member of the Priest's quorum at the time
I read my scripture assignments from church
and said my prayers almost every day
and frankly I enjoyed it
but there were some things about the church I didn't enjoy

I had a few concerns with some of my beliefs that differed from that church
as well as a few controversial doctrines that always bothered me
whenever I had first heard the term and concept of "being gay/homosexual"
I never thought that person was wrong for being that way
and with the controversy over same-sex marriage starting to become national
I knew that I supported it, and the people as well
I had been taught to love everybody, and that is something I do pretty well
Maybe some people made a choice to be homosexual, but it's been proven that the overwhelming majority of homosexual people are born that way.
That conflicts heavily with what the church teaches.
The church teaches that they are wrong for being that way, and that they are imperfect and that who they are, and what they do, and the air they breathe, all revolves around "counterfeit love".
That the way they feel and think about somebody when they lay in bed at night, and the emotion it brings to interact with and be a part of this person's life, is all wrong.
and why is it wrong?
they didn't choose this
this is simply how they feel
God created them this way

wait

God created them this way?
So you're telling me that there is an ever loving god out there who created people to live life on this earth, and to feel love towards another person, and to want to be a part of another person's life and that the correct way to live their life is to do none of that.
To reject who they are
You're telling me that those missionaries that come home early and go to LDS counselors talking to them about their "unnatural" feelings that they had about their companion, and that when the counselors tell them to try to date women to "cure them of their disease" that you believe that is a good idea.
Isn't the whole point of dating trying to meet people and understand other people and potentially meet somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with. Not always, according to the church.
Dating and marriage aren't only reserved for those that are in love. It's for those who are trying to find an antidote to their entire existence through another person, apparently...
It isn't fair
It isn't fair for the person who knows that this relationship isn't real
It isn't fair for the person who believes they are in love.
But the story almost ends up being the same, and it encompasses the word "Misery".
Sometime down the road, one of the two will have a realization that what they have been living is a lie, and it's going to have a lifetime effect on more than just them now. Some way have kids that have to deal with that, and grandkids and the effect is just endless.
And you sit here and tell me that all men are created equal?
I don't know if my conscience as a person lets me believe that.

But yeah
All men are created equal
all men born after 1978 that is.
Black people weren't allowed to have the priesthood before that year.
Are they not men like the rest of us?
I understand that issues with segregation were going on at the time
but does America's issues with society change the word of God?
Ok so maybe the new doctrine should be
"All men are created equal, sometimes"

But does "all men" encompass women too?
I've been taught that "all men" encompasses everybody, but is that really true in the church?
I understand that women have different physical parts, and different fluids running through their bodies
but why should that change who can and can't hold the priesthood
why is it that women are discouraged to get their own education and become independent people?
Well in the family household, the man is the patriarch of the family according to the church.
So women being more independent might make it harder for the man to take charge of the family like he should....
Because marriage isn't equal apparently.
Not even inside of the temple
Inside of the temple men are to "look towards God" and women are to "look to their husbands".
Why can't they both be looking to God? Or both to each other at least.

Believe it or not the temple actually was "the last straw that broke the camel's back"
or the last bit of knowledge to "collapse my shelf" as some people like to call it
Basically all of these thoughts in the last few paragraphs had been stored in the back of my head from the time that I learned about them.
Stored on a mental shelf
these are the kinds of thoughts that when you hear them you might think to yourself
"I don't know if I totally agree with that" or something along those lines
the thoughts that you can try to shrug off by saying to yourself, "well the church is true 100% so no reason to worry about it"
but its there in your head
and its totally real
everybody has it

It was on July 27, 2014 that my shelf collapsed completely.
I came home from work that night and stumbled upon a link that was a video that showed what happened during an endowment session inside of the temple.
I instantly hesitated to do anything because I had been taught my whole life that it is a sacred ordinance that is for later.
At this point in my life I wasn't really looking to serve a mission, and with all these thoughts mentioned previously bothering me, and with the mindset of wanting to know why I did the things I did, I clicked on that link.
The next few minutes consisted of complete and absolute shock
I distinctly remember this thought that came to me a few minutes into the video and it came from the essence of my being and from everything I embodied as a person

"This is it. This is what my whole religion is about. I actually can't believe anything that I am watching has any parallels with my religion. This can't be the same religion"

But to my surprise it was
I would learn later that what I was watching were rituals essentially identical to masonic rituals, and that Hyrum Smith was a well known and prominent Mason.

But that was it. My shelf came tumbling down in those few minutes.
I felt pretty awful in general, but relieved to know that my search was over for now.
That chapter in my life was over.
I grabbed my phone and texted one of my close friends who wasn't LDS for comfort.
I couldn't tell anybody about it, but she wasn't concerned with my standing in the church.

The next two months were pretty normal, and I still continued to act the same, but I had a different outlook about it all.
After that though is where it hit me hardest.

From about November 2014 until June 2015 I had essentially fallen off the face of the earth
I became nihilistic about everything in my life
I felt like I had no purpose in life
Throughout Jr High, my best friend was God
not because we were super close but because I knew that he was always there, at least
but that was the kind of knowledge where you know you got an answer right on a test, but you were actually completely wrong. It's a very similar feeling except it applies to your entire life.

Sudennly, or at least it seemed
everything in my life became completely meaningless
I stopped practicing guitar
getting up for school
talking to my friends at school
doing my homework
working hard at anything, really
and during all of this the one person I could talk to about anything I felt like (God) wasn't there.
I would stay up late reading about music, or finding new music or playing video games
Anything to distract me from the emotional turmoil I was expereincing
and looking back I thought I did it for one reason:
because once everybody was asleep, I didn't have to put up an image
I felt like I could be myself
and I could to some degree.
but now I know there was also a second and very important reason:
I didn't give a shit
really
and I actually couldn't give a shit about anything
everything in my life sort of collapsed around me
and I had no motivation to build it back up
I just lied in the rubble of my life and tried to go back to sleep
but the night time only lasted so long
eventually the sun would come up and another day would start
but I wouldn't

either I'd be asleep
or my parents would be trying to get me up
or I'd be laying in my bathroom floor because I could sleep there in peace for at least a little while
or I'd be at school half awake, not knowing what the hell is going on because I'd been absent for the past 2 periods.
I had barely over 50% attendance I think
and easily the worst grades I could think of.
I dropped one of my classes in 4th term because the last two terms were F's
It was by far the worst part of my life I've expereienced
and to my understanding
its not over
nor will it ever be, to some extent.

I'm doing much better now
Things are going pretty well for me
I talked to a counselor for most of the summer and that was incredibly eye opening to me

My standing with the church is bitter, naturally
but I don't hold a grudge against it
I just wish I was never a part of it
because being a member then leaving is incredibly dishonorable
and technically I would be much better off not knowing about it
as I told my dad, "I don't hate the church. I hate having ever been a part of it. I just want to forget about it and move on".

My family does have pretty harsh feelings toward me because of it
but I don't blame them for it
I just wish it wasn't so hard to bear at times
My step-mom says "I'm dark minded"
that "My mind has been poisoned with lies"
My father said this to me today actually
"I'm disappointed in you"
My Bishop tells me
"You're mom would want this for you if she were still alive"

you know what I say to the bishop?
Fuck you for bringing her into this
just because she was a member when she died doesn't mean she has any opinion on the matter
also I know that my mother would want what makes me happy
and she wants me to be honest
and she wants me to be the best person that I can
and that's what I'm trying to do
so would you kindly
fuck off and try to emotionally manipulate somebody else
because I've made up my mind on the matter

any of you who actually know me well know that I didn't say that to the bishop, but its definitely the way I felt when he said that to me, but the point still stands

For those who have differing opinions than me
let's agree to disagree and actually get to know one another
and care for one another
because in the end
the person who will be judging your life hardest
and the person you will spend the rest of your life with
is yourself


- Ashton Young


Thanks for those of you who read

My only Swerving

Today I found this poem that was the source of inspiration for one of my favorite bands. It's pretty incredible.

My Only Swerving



Here is the song for the poem.

My Only Swerving - El Ten Eleven

I take it for granted sometimes

First things first,
I think I'm back
I think I am content writing down my thoughts and fears and just talking

This one's gonna be pretty damn straightforward

Talking isn't something I do a whole lot
I am constantly thinking about what goes on around me
but I don't say much
sometimes I feel like I can't say much
or be completely honest
because sometimes people make themselves vulnerable to the truth

For almost two years now, this blog has given me a place to talk
even though there isn't any real time feedback like there would be in a conversation
I know that I will come back and read it at some point
and it makes me happy that others will read too

but I didn't get here on my own
I find it hard to get places on my own in life
I usually don't speak unless spoken to
I have a hard time meeting new people because of this

so I really wanted to say thank you
I feel like its been an experience that I have benefited from, and hopefully you too
Thanks for letting this happen

I remember being up in Island Park, Wyoming at a wild bear and fox exhibit
(not really wild anymore heh)
I was frustrated with my current camera and thought about who could help me with photography
Eventually you were the person that I thought of but instantly I shot down the idea
we hadn't talked for years and things had left off on an awkward note
but I couldn't let the thought go
I thought of all the fun times we had in elementary school, even though I barely knew you
I wanted to talk, but I was afraid you weren't interested in talking
I casually sent a text asking about photography, strictly photography
you gave a a very honest and informative answer and I was happy with the response
the conversation continued naturally, not like it ever had before
we just talked about life for a little bit

the conversation itself wasn't extremely significant, although enjoyable
but you opened up to me
It wasn't forced at all
I felt like maybe I could talk to somebody about life
I felt like there was somebody who was on the same level as me
not like some Godly figure who left my questions unanswered
but was always there to make me feel guilty for having doubts
this was somebody who was human and acted like a human being

I remember signing your yearbook a few months later
I had no idea what to write
I still have no idea what I wrote
It was probably HAGS or some shit
my bad
I remember reading what you wrote in mine telling me about your blog
and how I should text you for the address
It was thrilling
but I wasn't sure if I was ready to experience it

I remember reading through all of it in one sitting the first time I got the chance
and I felt like it was something I wanted to be a part of
I wanted to be able to share my thoughts with somebody
who would hear me
and I wouldn't have to fear rejection

I remember being at work and wondering what to do with the rest of my day
I finished up and checked my phone and there was a text saying
"so are we ever going to hang out?"

I remember sitting at the campfire with Will, Zac, and Adam
we were having a great conversation about who knows what
I remember preparing conversation topics in my head and running short
Just in case the conversation ever grew stale
I saw two pairs of legs and shoes from the under half of the evergreen trees
my heart skipped a bit
"oh shit oh shit oshthishotoih"

The conversation consisted of two things, which most of us had in common
Cedar Ridge and how we all played runescape at some point in time
not very interesting subjects at all
but we were getting used to each other
I was still getting used to how you sounded
wasn't at all like the way I imagined when I read it on your blog

We went inside and ended up playing smash bros
and after everybody left
it was me
but this time around I didn't feel lonely
I felt like I had people to talk to
and friends who cared about me
actual friends to do stuff with

I just wanted to say thanks
for being somebody who I feel like I can talk to anything about
and for discussing sensitive subjects with me
and for caring about what I have to say
and making me feel like I was heard
thanks for being the one to open up to me
Thanks for some of the little things like
texting me first even though you're the girl and I'm the guy and the fact that society and the people around us made it seem like that wasn't an ok thing to do, because fuck society I'm an anarchist

I really care about you and I care about our relationship,
and I feel like even though we don't hang out or talk as often as we used to
that I feel like you're one of my best friends

Thanks for answering my question about cameras and photography.
-Ashton

Dusty

This place is becoming old news now. I don't feel the same way that I used to about this. It's saddening to me, but I guess it might be time to move on and forget about this. I am no longer comfortable here, but I've never been comfortable with myself. I'm not sure what to expect.

How

Probably the most profound way to open up a song, let alone an entire album. The Neighbourhood aren't vague about what they are trying to communicate.

How

"How could you question God's existence?
When you question God himself?"

I've come to the realization (over a long period of time)
that I need to continue to record and make music

I know I'm not happy with where it is at right now, but if I don't keep doing it how am I supposed to get better

I am going through a time in my life where it's hard to care about a lot of things for some reason
I hope the few of you that read this know that I'm sorry for being a burden sometimes
I don't wish to be like that, and I want to change, I just want to progress

Sorry if this is all vague. I don't really know exactly what I'm writing sometimes, but I jot down as I go.

This is less of a poetic blog then it is a gathering of thoughts.
I'm ok with that

Sleeping Angel

Svefn-G-Englar

You won't be intimidated by the length once you start listening

PS   Bailey this should cure your dislike of them

Some do

It wasn't until now that I came to the realization that
The reason I don't have friends isn't because I'm shy
It's because people don't like me
Including myself
I don't really understand how people do it
How they wake up in the morning excited
How people are ok with who they are
I've never understood the concept of friendship or being a friend
I don't know how to be a functioning member of a family
Everything I thought I knew about being a person is all a lie
I don't have anybody/anything to say I'm a part of
Everything I do, anything I'm a part of, is something where I try to convince myself I'm not sad
I used to think everybody had a problem with me, not to realize that I am the problem.
Recently I thought about seeing a therapist to tell me there was a scientific reason there was something wrong with me
I thought I had bi-polar disorder
But I don't have anything, I'm just fucked in the head
Why do I even pressure myself with the burden of trying

Alan

David Firth is a name that describes a person I've never met, but somebody I feel like I can relate to. It's unsettling in many ways. I don't understand how my taste in music or art is so similar to somebody I've never met. I was able to recognize all of the music after watching this. I do hope one day fate will bring us together, just like it has in the past.

Alan

Aphex Twin
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Sigur Ros

Bipolarity

The Hierarchy of Needs is a placebo.

Sorry for the negativity and lack of inspiration on my blog and my life. I'm sincerely trying my best to stop worrying about the past and look to the future.

.

Sometimes I'm alright with being a person. Thanks for all of you who have read my posts.

Rethink What You Live

No human can be absolutely certain of anything but his or her own existence.
 - A conclusion drawn by John Locke

Take a moment to let that sink in

I Bestow Upon Thee, Ambience

My Coordinates To You


Please do yourself and your sanity a favor and make a "Boards of Canada" Station on Pandora.
Oh yeah and also Shailene Woodley happens to be my new favorite person that I don't know. I mean hey, she's only 22. I've still got a chance.

One Sunday Morning

This song is breathtakingly beautiful
It's also a very heartbreaking song
And it may be the most relevant song I've ever listened to

Please do listen and read along, do not be imitated by the length because it will go by so quickly.

One Sunday Morning

Lyrics: (DONT READ AHEAD)

This is how I'll tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday Morning
Oh, one son is gone.

Against the weather dawning
Over the sea
My father said what I had become
No one should be.

Outside I look lived in
Like the bones in a shrine
How am I forgiven?
Oh, I'll give it time.

This I learned without warning
Holding my brow
In time we thought I would kill him
Oh, but I didn't know how.

I said it's your God I don't believe in
No, your Bible can't be true
Knocked down by the long lie
He cried I fear what waits for you.

I can hear those bells
Spoken and gone.
I feel relief I feel well
Now he knows he was wrong.

Ring 'em cold for my father
Frozen underground
Jesus I wouldn't bother
He belongs to me now.

Something sad keeps moving
So I wandered around.
I fell in love with the burden
Holding me down.

Bless my mind, I miss
Being told how to live.
What I learned without knowing
How much more I owe than I can give.

This is how I tell it
Oh, but it's long.
One Sunday morning
One son is gone.

Hodag

I really want to discuss this with somebody. I don't recall ever shaking out of fear while reading something, or shuddering and feeling my stomach drop so abruptly before. This is easily the most real and terrifying thing I've ever read. If you are up to it, it's a short story (journal) about discovery, mystery, and determination, but more importantly exploits the mind to extreme fears such as claustrophobia, fear of the dark, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of being left behind, and others.
I can't recommend this any better than to just say click on the link, do not skim, and once you start reading you'll be hooked by curiosity, mystery, terror, but most importantly realistic interest. This isn't a horror story made up and told by old men, it actually happened.

Ladies and Gentlemen  - Ted the Caver -

(I'd recommend reading this mobile, since the formatting is well, from 2001)

EDIT: Please comment about it if you have finished reading it!

Camp Rewind

Thursday June 26th, 2014
"Today, up in the mountains in Beaver, I traveled back in time a year almost exactly. Between the aspens and the evergreens and the white skies, I returned back in time of my trip to South Dakota. I resumed back in time of driving through the wisp forest listening to Explosions in the Sky's "Take Care, Take Care, Take Care." I resumed back to a time when Bailey Bezzant was a blog with words, and not a face with a voice. I resumed to a time when believing in God was a habit, and living without one was something I hadn't done. Woe unto me because of my powerless wish to resume to that time.
 I feel no different than when I was in South Dakota right now, but the fear of returning home will remind me of everything I did wrong in the past year, because after all, my house is not my home. I don't think I've discovered a home, but the closest thing to it is the white, wisp forest, nostalgia. When I come "home" I hope others will see how I've changed. I hope that I will keep the spirit of South Dakota alive, and right now Beaver is a tangible thing that serves as a wonderful proxy. But I know all too well how easily things like these turn into memories, and then into memories of memories. I lost recognition of myself, and never gained it back. The only place I could turn was into the past."

Anniversary

It's been a year since my first post on this blog.
It's fascinating to think about how things were back then and how far I've come.
It's impossible to remember all of the experiences, but they all amounted to something today.

An excerpt from my first post "Disoriented"

Eventually, a seed was planted without intention or awareness
It wasn't even directed toward me at all
Although the effect distorted my perspective
nothing had changed:
 I still had no sense of direction
 I was still dependent
 I still lacked true happiness
But without my knowing, the journey of self reliance and independence had just begun.

I never could have guessed how right I would be.
It's been an adventure.

Oxymoron

The most truthful quote I've ever heard

"Give somebody a mask and they'll show their true face"
- Oscar Wilde

Significance

An actual conversation:

Me: Hey Trever. I want an honest answer, something more than a yes or a no: Do you think living just to exist is a reason to live?

Trever: I would love to answer, but answer me this. Why are you asking? What's bringing this question?

Me: I was reading "Night" a book about a nazi camp. And there the author who was a boy at the time, was only able to make it out alive because he and his father wanted to escape. The one's who died had no motivation to keep enduring. I just reflected it and was just thinking about my life and why I'm still alive. Why do I keep living? What is it about being alive that makes being alive worth it, because right now I'm struggling to live meaningfully.

Trever: That's a difficult question because you have to play into your religious beliefs before anything, for me, not really having any, my life is what I make it, as stupid as that sounds, it's true, and I know when I let myself down and do perform or live as significantly as I could, but I also just know that's a flaw I have, and I do succeed in living significantly here and there and it makes it worth it. But...

There is no point if you have to believe in anything. Once you accept this body that's holding you is all we have, your goal is to push its limits. Feeling is the only real thing we as humans can use to guage our success, fulfillment, significance. Example, the feeling of being scared by something is worth living for, in my opinion, you probably have been on a camp out and encountered a dangerous situation... Wasn't it fun in some cynical way? I always found it to be.

My point is things that used to give significance can fade. I don't play music very much anymore, which I dislike about myself, but it's just fading from me, but my will to love the people I'm around grows stronger. And I waste a lot of time playing video games but the few times I choose to read a short story, rewarded with a feeling, the glimpses of feelings that are given to me through different experiences, as inconsistent as they come and go, they remind me why I exist. For this moment. That is fleeting in front of me, and then it's gone and I have to spend my efforts searching for it again. It's almost like the pay off isn't a pay off... It's more of a working yourself in situations and places getting to a point where you are rewarded, as tangible as the reward is (an emotional response) you realize what you did to get there is what was worth something.